Knitting

So I have taught myself the magic loop method for socks. I am proud of that. I thought it would be hard, but really I guess knitting comes naturally for me. Once I know something I just know it for ever. I have taught myself everything and learned it all on my own, well except how to actually knit.

They socks are turning out good and it is going really well. I just now need to figure out how to do the hell flap and then do the rest of the sock. The thing is though I just think it is silly. Other than how fast it is going, I think all four needles is just simpler. You do not have to keep changing needles I mean you will still go to four needles not matter what so might as well. I think I will get it when I do two socks on one needle.

The yarn is the special edition colors from Lorna's Laces sock weight, I got it from jimmybeanswool.com. It is called rocket pops, and the pattern it is making is amazing.

Also I am making the awesome scarf I got off of Knitty.com the knit one below, but I am using sport weight Lorna's Laces yarn on size three needles. It will all be done in the Lorna's Laces Sport Weight. I will post pictures when it is done.

Dear Me,

So I guess you are figuring it out. I am proud of you. I realize you hate Starbucks, but it is still only two years. You just have to make it two years. Remember be a fish, just keep say "eff off" to the assholes under your breath and smile the way through it. The thing is you know what you want. You always have and no matter how long a laundry list of excuses others give you as to why they think you suck. It is not you it will always be their faults they want to project on you and they are just scared. If people do not think you are happy, Fuck them. You know you are happy and you can have your moments of anger and sadness.

You have managed to recognize the bad people in your life and who true friends are and who the ones who like to use you are. Also you know it is ok to be alone. Yes you miss your friend, but still you are doing it all with out him. You can do it with him or without him. (You also do not lie to yourself about the fact it sucks without him.) The thing is though you know who you are and always have. No matter what your mother thinks or anyone else thinks.

As crazy as it drives you just keep remembering it. Even if you do not get your list of what you want accomplished then you will still know you tried, because there are things out of your control. You may never marry your best friend, have your honeymoon in a far off land, and have beautiful babies that you can raise in to adults that you do not fuck up too much, but you can still go to that far off land yourself. You can still have the two dogs you want and you can always inspire people in being the best they can be even if it yourself. (You are a person too remember.)

The best thing though is no single person is perfect. You know this and accepting people for who they are and loving them through anything is something you are good at, but you did it too much. There comes a point, and you have also stopped accepting the punishment.

Good job,

Me

Dear Me,

Dear Me, Is something new I am doing. I am writing to myself, and I do not know why but I am.

SO here goes...

Dear Me,

Well you have made it a week now without talking to him. One whole week. You can keep going I think. Except all these freaky weird dreams you have. Each time you have one though you need to stop analyzing it, it is a dream and doesn't mean anything. You have them because it is what you are thinking. They are not the future and they are not what could have been. He told you himself he never loved you and he really was lying to you the whole time. So really you need to stop thinking about it. I am proud of you for talking to your friend. Obviously she was not your friend in the first place.

Katie you are really one of the only friends you have, and be true to yourself. A person who gives you the excuse "we're roommates" is not a good friend, they just want to hang out with your ex because they want the attention from a boy. (He was not a man by any means) Also if she was you're friend she would have been there for you more than she was. She would have done more for you than she was with him. It was a joke what she was doing and your intuitions were correct. Her loyalties are false and that is her business, she will have to pay for that one later.

Remember me, you have been that strong person and you need to stop hiding all of this all the time. Just keep going and letting all go. You have to let go of the resentment that you have. It is not easy though. I hate that you have this. I hate that you are doing it. There is no point to it. He is pointless and a big fat waste of space. Really and truly. Because he is wasting his time on him and did not truly see what he was doing really and truly was doing.

One day you will realize this and be all the better for it. But really who the hell cares right? It will no longer care, because in the end really nothing matters and nothing will just what you do now. Let him go on thinking he did the right thing and let him go on thinking he was right, he will never know the difference because there will never be anyone to show him different. Who knows too maybe twenty years down the road he will get his exactly what he has been dreading. Something entirely pointless and wasted his time, because he himself will never know how to be happy. His name is Johnson for goodness sakes, did you really want your last name to have the same association as a penis?

Cute

Today walking home from the game a random stranger told me I was cute. Stopped me and just had to let me know out of nowhere I was cute. It was the first time in a long time anyone besides my friends or family has told me that. He has never told me that unless I prompted him.

I laughed the KtB laugh and walked on but then I got all choked up. I haven't heard those words from a man's mouth in a very long time. It is a rather odd thing for me because I know this about myself I have never once doubted it in me, but today with my crazy curly hair and my nothing special about my clothing a man told me I was cute.

It is odd because there are all of these body issues I have always had and will always have that come and go with weight loss and gain, the small boobs and man thighs/calves. The big huge butt of the matter is (no pun intended) I know I am cute, and DAMN IT...BEAUTIFUL. My eyes are what get the men in drive thru who just are waiting for their coffee, my coy smile is what can get the conversation going, but in the end it is how I can talk to a person just right then and there to hook them. I do not have horse teeth, I do not have big ears, and I do not fake it, except when I forget who I was and am. Maybe that is what I have been doing forgetting me. I do not know what all these tests have been over the past few weeks, but maybe I have forgotten me and maybe I needed someone to who is strong enough to remind me who I am when this stuff comes up and help me thorough these times when it does happen.

I started crying because it was like a blow in the stomach, sure I get the hit on, sure I have the gay man telling my how HAWT I look all the time, and sure there are the girls who are saying "Katie you are getting really skinny." Sometimes though you need that random stranger telling you reminding you "You're cute and I thought you should know."

Meatloaf

I made meatloaf. I had to do something to actually keep myself focused on something other than the fact I cannot keep a stead and stable relationship going. I needed to do something other than cry which is all I have been doing.

It was decent meatloaf, and I hate meatloaf...Ina helped. Her food always looks so intense. This was not. They were simply mini meatloaves. It did not turn out like a meat-brick and it was not super dry but a bit juicy. The onions were a bit crunchy they could have had a bit more time to actually cook and perhaps a bit more salt. Plus there was no one to actually cook them for, so really now I have like 3 mini meatloaves and not a single soul to eat them.

I guess I am doing this because aside from just being me there really must be something wrong with me. I am not good enough. I do not have what it takes to be that perfect girlfriend that every guy out there wants. All they all have ever said to me is you make a great friend, but I just don't see a future with you. So really what else can there be other than just learning how I can cook better...Since I am on hunger strike it will a lot of food going to waste, but hey who the hell cares.(My roommate is a vegetarian).

I guess I am just giving up on me. I am giving up on love. I am just giving up. Why am I bothering anymore. What is the point. I quit smoking but really what was the point. He asks me why I couldn't have done that while we were together, well I was doing it while we were together it just takes time...it takes time and focus and help...the shitty thing is I have help from people now but it is the same as always, I thank them and it is cool...but I miss his help. I just wish I knew what was so wrong with me.

Confusion

This is where the confusion sets in. They are the waste of space. They are the pimple you keep picking at. They are the ingrown toenail. They are men.

Even the good ones are a total waste because really deep down they are not good. All of them are assholes. Women hate you because you are time wasters. Women hate men because you just have no direction as to what you are doing. When a man breaks up with a woman and says he wants "to be friends" is because he has no clue what he really wants. IT is a ploy to see how he feels in a few weeks, but really he never really loved you in the first place.

There is no emotional availability in a man because he thinks he will be seen as weak. They hide all true feeling because they have no ability to actually feel. Each and everyone of them hates themselves. They are here because of a genetic make up in order to procreate. It is so the species can exist. When they move on from your lives there is nothing left but how much time you had wasted on them. It is a matter of who the fuck cares.

Keep them at arms length and throw them away once you are done. Plus the world is over populated anyways. So really what is the point.

Yay Thunderstorms!!!

Yay Thunderstorms

I have decided I love food. I love fast food like In n' Out. I love high fatty gourmet food, I even love steaks that have been cooked perfectly, which is something rather odd because I used to hate them. I hate frozen, fake and packaged food(with the exception of mac and cheese). I need to actually learn how to cook better, but so does everyone I guess. I have decided I will always be a fat kid, so I will just actually have to work out in order to compensate for the fact I love food. I am proud of being a fatty, to the extent of not being obese. This is a new goal, work out and eat like a pig. I no longer care about what size I am I will just eat pizza and then go for a run...I know I am stupid for saying all of this, but there has always been this stupid pressure to lose weight and be skinny. I now embracing my fat kidness and literally running with her, fuck skinny. Fat and happy is how I am going to be.

I managed last week to make it to the gym or work out three times which is like a record for me. I ran at least everyday I worked out, I also went to Bikram yoga.

After my first day of running I had an immense headache of dehydration and my body telling me I hate you. I know because of the pounding in my head and no matter how much water I would drink or what I would eat nothing cured it. Then the running and Pilates, where the instructor was a complete BITCH. I have never seen someone who hated what he does more than me. He was bragging about the "energy" in the gym but then not helping anyone. If I do go to another class it will be somewhere else.

Then I went to Bikram yoga. 130 degrees and 90 minutes of yoga. A strain on the mind and on the body. Everyone was telling me how you feel so much better afterwards, and you actually do. At least you are not in the blaring sun so it does not totally feel like you are doing yoga outside in Las Vegas in the Summer. I did feel energized and could not stop talking. Plus I had the whole mind forcing myself through it, which I miss. It was the whole detox behind it all too. James came with me, someone who had never done yoga before in his life managed to make it though. I was proud of him. It is not easy. He will get it I hope.

This week has been all spinning. I did yoga before on Monday. Wednesday I was up at the butt crack of dawn to go, then I was planning on going to yoga, but did not manage to get there. I just had no energy left because of work and being up at 4. I wish I had gone. There is the school year though. It is not an excuse, but still I either was hungry or I am just worn out. I have worked six straight days, and today will be seven. Who knows how this going to the gym three times a week thing will be panning out for me though....

So far I am liking it. Now if I could just make it outside to work out and run.