Has it really only been...

364 days...

It feels like it has been 364 years. Each of these 364 days have seemed like the longest and shortest of my life. Some Flew by while others just drug on.

Tomorrow marks the day of my birth, woo... I really have good birthdays, but usually they are followed by some traumatic event or something silly that ends up hurting my sprit in someway so pretty much I really never look forward to my birthday. I do look forward to the reflection of the past 364 days. This past year has been some serious ups and serious downs.

Lets start with the downs to get them out of the way! I had my heart shattered by a boy who I thought was it because he "was trying" pretending to me that he was in love with me that I was it for him making me believe this was it. Shortly after that my sister gets engaged and married. My grandfather dies, and no matter how much I wanted to be there I could not be, because of stupid work and school. I get fired from a job I somewhat enjoyed, by a woman who could barely love herself she takes it out on everyone around her and did it just to make an example out of me.

Now the ups. I lost fifty pounds with no secret diet or wonder magic pills or anything at all. I just did it. I met and reconnected with some amazing people. I also have some focus on what I am doing now as opposed to just doing and floating though life. Oh and I am going to London, something I have dreamed about since I was like 10. So yay. Happy birthday to me.

I know the ups of my life are smaller than the downs, but when you examine the downs closer they are actually bigger ups than downs. I can see I am way better off without the boy, it would of ended anyways on my part, or I would of ended up miserable. To no avail and this is always the kicker, It never fails, most who reject me tend to wake up and see it was their loss and they fucked up. Usually by that time it is to late and my feelings for them are gone. I will never understand that one as long as I live. I will maybe see that answer when I die. I am not smiling, about it I just always wonder about the irony behind it. Boys are just not right for me and pretty much are just things to look at. When the right one comes along then he will want to be there and join me on our journey.

My grandfather was sick and it was time. It was not right for him, it was time to go. He needed to go. I wish it could have been sooner. It was just sad that is all.

The job thing sucked because I loved the people I worked with and I really just wanted to be around the customers. I really truly loved bringing happiness to people days and I know I did. It was something of a push though because I know that now I have to move on and get away. I was also miserable, I had no life and getting up at 4 am was not fun. Plus I feed off the energy of people and when they are in a bad mood they move to the dark side. I felt like Luke fighting Darth Vader and the Emperor everyday, and when you have to stand up to why someone doesn't like you for you then well who cares, I just literally gave up.

Artown and Hot August Nights

So I was reading on rgj.com yesterday about how Hot August Nights may or may not be leaving Reno for Long Beach.

I also read yesterday about how two of the fifteen pianos put out for Artown have been vandalized.

I am going to step on a soap box for a minute.

Hot August Nights brings a lot of money to Reno. WHOOPITYDO! I love going down town and look at old cars. It is a blast. I can appreciate it. An old car rocks my world. It was a connection between my dad and I, '69 Camaro it was Fucking amazing. It was a beautiful car. I seriously though cannot understand why on Earth people are freaking out about this whole thing leaving the biggest little city. There is nothing big or little about this city anymore. Hot August Nights has a optical appeal about it, it is also a business, what about Reno right now is screaming, "Hey look how awesome we look we are flourishing with business!"

The planners of Artown put out fifteen pianos to celebrate fifteen years of Artown. Fifteen local artist decorated the pianos to share their art with the community. Some rat bastards thought it would be great to beat the hell out of and vandalize two of them. It is sad and shows why things in Reno are on more of a decline. I was out last week, riding around with my friend Josh on his tandem bike. (Yeah we were pretty much the coolest people out there on his bicycle built for two.) The pianos brought me joy, hard work and effort were put into them and well shit it was just nice to see people walking up to them and playing them. The pianos were put there for joy and entertainment. Whether you are a Musical genius, a person who only took piano lessons for three years, or a kid just walking up to them and banging on the keys, they managed to inspire. Those bastards should be spanked. (That is right I am saying it!) I respect the artist who sees the positive in it. She now gets to paint another panel for the piano, and that warms my heart.

People are raving and ranting about HAN leaving Reno. Who cares this is not until 2012. Maybe by that time Reno will have it's act together, and HAN will not want to leave. Maybe by the time 2012 rolls around this fledgling economy will be booming again. The mayors of Sparks and Reno should take this as a wake up call. I know if I spent all that money on a car and put all that effort into it why would I want to bring it to a place where there is a condemned building in the background. Your cities are in a decline. If something as big as HAN does not want to stay here, maybe it is time to start cleaning up. How about we start with Virginia Street. I know there is a recession, but from dirt comes flowers. Paint another panel. I love this city, but things need to change, this is getting ridiculous. Things can always come back, so prove it to your citizens, by making some efforts to save this recession ridden city. Stop seeing the big bucks, this is not Las Vegas, this is why I love it here.

Clean it up and fix it. It is what the supporters of Artown are doing, they are trying to make things better. They are trying to make the Biggest little city better. What are you doing? Telling people you are "One Hot Tamale" BFD!!! Clean up your city and prove it is HAN's loss. Start it over and make it bigger and better than it ever was. It is what the people of Artown do, every year they make it better and work towards something better. Even when something bad happened they managed to pull together and fix it, not show how angry they are. This could have been an opportunity to renew and fix as opposed to just talk like everyone else seems to do.

One thing about Vegas is at least Oscar Goodman would be out there fighting for this not just talking (OK so he does talk A LOT). BUT Mayors you have known about this for a while now and all of a sudden you are shocked! You should be spanked, this is your vandalism! You let it run it course and thought things would never change, well now they are. Look at your down town. The Reno beautification project fell by the wayside, and wow we now have condos. Empty condos. What is Northern Nevada known for? Things like Artown, HAN, Street Vibrations, Those beautiful mountains we ski, see and hike in, and GAMBLING. How can people gamble when no one wants to come here and do it because "the strip" looks like a pig sty. If you build it they will come, willingly!

go here http://www.rgj.com/article/20100707/NEWS/100707060 and read about the silly HAN fiasco!

here for the pianos http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2010100706035

Grace

Last night I watched some fireworks with some friends and saw my baby sis Grace called me. She called about an issue and she vented about it. The issue is not important, what was important was talking with my baby sis Gracie.

We got into how our parents are CRAZY. HAHAHA.

It was the moment when Grace started in on how our mother is always asking her what the plan is and what she is doing and and and... That is when I realized they are doing the same things to her that they used to do it me.

She was crying, I started laughing because of the irony. She told me how uncool she felt and how she cannot catch a break. It is ruining her teenage years! I told her yeah pretty much it ruined mine too.

It ruined mine in some sense. I was the uncool kid because I could not do things like just go and hang out, or just be a kid. I was not a bad kid, I just wanted to go and be a kid. She is doing similar things too, like hanging with friends. My parents think she is just going off and drinking at parties and doing what they think are "bad things." They are afraid of Grace growing up. I do agree there are somethings she should wait for and be innocent, I mean she is only fifteen. They are also doing it because they LOVE her.

The sad thing about this is they do not trust Grace will not do the bad things. They do not trust that Grace has the mental capacity to say no, or hell if she says yes, to be smart about it. My parents always think that one bad thing means she is dead in a ditch and worry so much about her dieing in a fiery car crash. The thing about that is kids are supposed to fall down and get bruises and scars. Kids are supposed to hurt, move past them and be protected in some sense. I do not want my sister to die in a fiery car crash. I do want her to learn something though. I do want her to figure it out a bit so she does not end up like my sister and I. I think parents should guide not shelter. When you shelter things we just end up being rebellious and then well we wander the earth always looking for something, and rebelling.

It is like my tattoos and piercings, they are there for reasons, they are my rebellious scars of my past. There is a story behind each one they are my scars and memories of a time in my life, and some are there for people I love. The tattoos will forever be reminders of them the piercings can go away. When I am an old hag I can tell my grand kids what they meant, and have some stories. Just like I have stories for Grace.

Instead of letting us getting to the point of "what did you learn" it was always "we are just protecting you from," "and because I SAID SO." I do not have the answers for this nor do I know what is the right answer but I do know that when you are always protecting, you are alienating and removing a lot of social connections kids just want to make. High school is about how to make connections and what they mean. It is about growing into what you want to be in college. Grace is feeling like she is being held back a bit. I feel for my baby sis, I do at the same time there is nothing she can do about it. I know though in the end she will be OK. I also told her there is a time and a place for everything and that is college (thank you South Park). I just kept listening to her and saying "yup sounds about right." I also became really scared, they are going to turn her into me. Into what I became the first time around. I can see it starting now. They are destroying her self-esteem like they did mine when I was that age. I do not blame them but I see the pattern emerging. It sucks, but I wish they could just let it be.

They just want what is best, even though it is not what seems like it is what is best now. I understand that and it hurts to tell my baby sis that. There is a lot more to life than having friends and being the cool kid. Grace will realize this ten years from now, I hope that I can guide her through it and be there before she gets to that point I did when I was her age. They were thinking I was always doing something bad like cutting myself or doing drugs. I was just sleeping in my room being a teenager, who was not allowed to even go to a friends house to hang out, even after I found Jesus, and trying to prove to my parents I was being a good kid. So not even my friends could accept me. I could not accept me. Nothing was ever good enough to prove I was good, because they always thought I was bad. There was no trust. I was doing good, thier's was just paranoia, I was being bad. Even when I was being good, it did not matter because I was bad in their eyes.

I hope Grace can realize things before she is twenty-five and forever searching for how to be something to please them and just please herself. I know a few things, I am not who I was when I was fifteen, or twenty, or twenty-two, or twenty-four, hell or the person I was when I turned twenty-five. I hope Grace can see that really in the grand scheme of things it does not matter in the end and this too shall pass. I told her it does not get any easier.

Grace did say one thing. As unstable and crazy as I feel like my life is, and no matter how much of a failure as I feel my life is sometimes, when your baby sis tells you, "You taught me a lot" makes you feel like you can take on the world. It also makes you love her more than you already do.

Big

For the first time in my life I saw the movie Big. I have never seen it. (I know almost 26 years and never seeing Big.)

Our whole lives we wish to be big. All around me I am starting to see it. My friends are all starting to go off on their lives and do what they dreamed of doing. The girl I grew up with has married the man of her dreams, and now on her honeymoon trouncing around the world enjoying every minute of it. They met in college freshman year, and now together for life. They met eight years ago and fell in love. Hell they made it eight years, they will make it through the rest of their lives. I saw the beautiful wedding, and was happy to be apart of the wonderful day.

My friend from when I was 11 is now an OBGYN, she has wanted to be a Doctor her whole life, and now she is doing it. She started her reality the other day and I know she is kicking ass. There was a lot of stress and hard work for her to go into this and she did it.

My sister is living her fairy tale dreams and is living her fairy tale life. She graduated college moved to London met the man of her dreams, and now decorates cupcakes.

They are all being Big.

I was on my path to be big. I was working at Starbucks making no money, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to be a teacher. I cannot believe it, I was going to be big. I wanted it so badly. I want to be a teacher, I want to get married, and I want to start my life. I was focused and ready I could see it in the distance it was coming! I was going to do it and be big!

I woke up, one day and realized I was going to be working at shitbucks the rest of my life. Who is going to want to marry a girl working as a barista. This is not going to help me be big. Ideally it was because I would be getting my masters and my phd, and then be something amazing and bad ass. So I went back to school. I could be a teacher and do the exact same thing not working at shitbucks. I was also with a guy who did not think the world of me, and I was so madly in love with him. I wanted to do anything to impress him, I wanted to show him how big I was becoming. The clock was ticking away, I had to do it! There was not much time! I should have this all figured out by now.

A month after I turned 25, He dumped me. He was settling for me, and I was not pretty enough for him, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I could not grasp that fact. I was moving forward and making all of the changes and just wanting to move on from this childhood and start the ideal life of being big. I thought that this person wanted it too. Oh well, a few weeks after this life crushing detail I saw deeper into it and knew I really am better off.

Being fired from shitbucks was another feeling of a break-up. I was thinking I could just settle, and do it till I found what I needed to be big. I lost sight of what I was doing. I was not being big though. I was constantly being put down for being me, by someone who could not see a bigger picture. This was it for her. Trying to move forward by stepping on people in the process only hurts you in the end, embracing the ones who challenge you or want to learn from you makes you better.

Being fired was just a fear though. Just like that silly break-up I had to take a huge look at who I wanted to become. There were a lot of if onlys. I could always fall back on it if I failed, and it was a comfort thing. I knew it and I knew it well. When you have the AHA! moment of how you were settling for something just because it is safe and losing that safety is a bit of a shock. No matter how much you try to look for the positive in things you still have a hard time dealing with the shock. Plus not to mention everyone around me is big, and I am getting fried from a job that has nothing to offer anything at all. On top of that I felt lost and alone. I am sure most people can handle it swimmingly, I handled it like a crazy person. I cared so much what this person though, again I was losing sight of who I am and how I need to take steps to be big, like all of my friends my age.

That is when the who cares hit me. We do not have to be big to gain what we need. Just like Josh in the movie, yes he was "big" but he was having fun doing it. Why being big has to be hard and stressful and mundane?

Why not make it carnival rides? Kids have fun doing what they want. I may not do it the most graceful ways, but kids do not either. I do tend to fall on my ass a lot, but why not keep playing in the process. I will forever be the big dork who says I hate you when I love you. (If Oliver could talk he could tell this.) I tell stupid jokes because they make people laugh. I will forever find pleasure in fireworks because well they are just plain cool. I bought a bike because I loved it as a kid so I ride my bike all the time.

Just because I am going to be 26 and all my friends are big, does not mean I have to be big like they are. I have never done things like anyone else anyways. Of course I want to grow up, but not in the sense that I forget what it was like to live life and then have that fear of the unknown and the ok now what and the "I did it just because I thought it was supposed to be." I am not saying that is what my friends are doing either.

One thing I do know is riding bikes, working my ass off at something I love, and really saying silly or stupidly honest things is worth it in the end. I feel it is not caring, no I am not apathetic I just no longer care what people think. Yeah so I want to be a teacher, it will be fun. I am doing it so I can have kids and play with them all summer, so I can show them what it is to be a kid. So they can learn how to grow up and see life is fantastic and hard and show them movies like Big, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Lion King, Toy Story, and The Little Rascals. Who ever said you had to stop being a kid, and be big? You just have to do it your right way, maturing is one thing being big is another.