Our whole lives we wish to be big. All around me I am starting to see it. My friends are all starting to go off on their lives and do what they dreamed of doing. The girl I grew up with has married the man of her dreams, and now on her honeymoon trouncing around the world enjoying every minute of it. They met in college freshman year, and now together for life. They met eight years ago and fell in love. Hell they made it eight years, they will make it through the rest of their lives. I saw the beautiful wedding, and was happy to be apart of the wonderful day.
My friend from when I was 11 is now an OBGYN, she has wanted to be a Doctor her whole life, and now she is doing it. She started her reality the other day and I know she is kicking ass. There was a lot of stress and hard work for her to go into this and she did it.
My sister is living her fairy tale dreams and is living her fairy tale life. She graduated college moved to London met the man of her dreams, and now decorates cupcakes.
They are all being Big.
I was on my path to be big. I was working at Starbucks making no money, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to be a teacher. I cannot believe it, I was going to be big. I wanted it so badly. I want to be a teacher, I want to get married, and I want to start my life. I was focused and ready I could see it in the distance it was coming! I was going to do it and be big!
I woke up, one day and realized I was going to be working at shitbucks the rest of my life. Who is going to want to marry a girl working as a barista. This is not going to help me be big. Ideally it was because I would be getting my masters and my phd, and then be something amazing and bad ass. So I went back to school. I could be a teacher and do the exact same thing not working at shitbucks. I was also with a guy who did not think the world of me, and I was so madly in love with him. I wanted to do anything to impress him, I wanted to show him how big I was becoming. The clock was ticking away, I had to do it! There was not much time! I should have this all figured out by now.
A month after I turned 25, He dumped me. He was settling for me, and I was not pretty enough for him, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I could not grasp that fact. I was moving forward and making all of the changes and just wanting to move on from this childhood and start the ideal life of being big. I thought that this person wanted it too. Oh well, a few weeks after this life crushing detail I saw deeper into it and knew I really am better off.
Being fired from shitbucks was another feeling of a break-up. I was thinking I could just settle, and do it till I found what I needed to be big. I lost sight of what I was doing. I was not being big though. I was constantly being put down for being me, by someone who could not see a bigger picture. This was it for her. Trying to move forward by stepping on people in the process only hurts you in the end, embracing the ones who challenge you or want to learn from you makes you better.
Being fired was just a fear though. Just like that silly break-up I had to take a huge look at who I wanted to become. There were a lot of if onlys. I could always fall back on it if I failed, and it was a comfort thing. I knew it and I knew it well. When you have the AHA! moment of how you were settling for something just because it is safe and losing that safety is a bit of a shock. No matter how much you try to look for the positive in things you still have a hard time dealing with the shock. Plus not to mention everyone around me is big, and I am getting fried from a job that has nothing to offer anything at all. On top of that I felt lost and alone. I am sure most people can handle it swimmingly, I handled it like a crazy person. I cared so much what this person though, again I was losing sight of who I am and how I need to take steps to be big, like all of my friends my age.
That is when the who cares hit me. We do not have to be big to gain what we need. Just like Josh in the movie, yes he was "big" but he was having fun doing it. Why being big has to be hard and stressful and mundane?
Why not make it carnival rides? Kids have fun doing what they want. I may not do it the most graceful ways, but kids do not either. I do tend to fall on my ass a lot, but why not keep playing in the process. I will forever be the big dork who says I hate you when I love you. (If Oliver could talk he could tell this.) I tell stupid jokes because they make people laugh. I will forever find pleasure in fireworks because well they are just plain cool. I bought a bike because I loved it as a kid so I ride my bike all the time.
Just because I am going to be 26 and all my friends are big, does not mean I have to be big like they are. I have never done things like anyone else anyways. Of course I want to grow up, but not in the sense that I forget what it was like to live life and then have that fear of the unknown and the ok now what and the "I did it just because I thought it was supposed to be." I am not saying that is what my friends are doing either.
One thing I do know is riding bikes, working my ass off at something I love, and really saying silly or stupidly honest things is worth it in the end. I feel it is not caring, no I am not apathetic I just no longer care what people think. Yeah so I want to be a teacher, it will be fun. I am doing it so I can have kids and play with them all summer, so I can show them what it is to be a kid. So they can learn how to grow up and see life is fantastic and hard and show them movies like Big, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Lion King, Toy Story, and The Little Rascals. Who ever said you had to stop being a kid, and be big? You just have to do it your right way, maturing is one thing being big is another.
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