Breakfast time!

Sundays are funny days for me. I usually do not do much besides sit outside and do my homework. I do not go to the gym and I do not watch what I eat. I refuse to clean and I will not do any kind of housework at all. I think that literally it is a day of rest, aside from homework because there is just no getting around it. If I want to go and eat shitty I will. This is my day off from whatever it is I eat during the week. I will have a big fat hamburger, and ice cream, and cookies and and and... I think that have one day of rewarding yourself is great. Sunday is my day of rewards.

My plan for the week usually is, eat the most colorful food you can find. I stopped eating white and switched to brown. I won't lie I still will have white pasta or white rice, but there are somethings you cannot control, especially when you are eating at a restaurant.

What is this brown vs. white thing? It is not the fantastic case in the 1960's that threw out the separate but equal clause in schools across the country (that is Brown vs. Board of Education). This is take a look at your plate, what is the ratio of color to white on your plate. Meaning the amount of processed food to the amount of natural food. Are the greens, browns, yellows, and reds or Are there a lot of whites? How much of the food is hand made and how

much of it came from a can? What is natural, and what has corn syrup in it?

This morning I did not feel like splurging. I wanted Pegg's, but at the same time I could make Pegg's at home too. Plus I did not want to go alone, and no one was up at 7 am. (Pegg's is slammed by 8 it is so worth it though). I decided to make scrambled eggs with spinach, jack cheese and avocado. It is pretty standard and super simple.

3 Eggs

Handful of spinach

As much jack cheese as you want

Half of an avocado

Splash of Half and Half

Salt and Pepper to taste.

Crack 3 eggs in a bowl, add the half and half and Beat with a whisk or fork or just make sure the stupid things are mixed. I know what you are thinking it sounds like a heart attack. I do not drink milk and I have half and half in my fridge. It makes the eggs fluffy, if you do not do this they will come out dense, I like fluffy eggs. It is the point of scrambled eggs. Add it to the frying pan on medium

heat and add your salt and pepper. Add the Spinach and the Cheese and stir. It is not an omelet so you do not have to fold, just stir.

It looks like this soggy mess right here until you get it cooking more. See the amount of green to yellow. There is color. YAY! I love color. Color equals flavor. Plus this takes like fifteen minutes to make. Cook your eggs to how you want them

I made them a bit harder than I like but that is OK. Once you finish cooking it put it on a plate and add the avocado. This is super fatty you are saying. So its a splurge day, and it has a lot of protein. Plus they are all good fats and oils. Eggs and avocados are good for you and hell I would just eat one plain. Add wheat toast if you like, add sourdough if you want it is a splurge day. If you look at what it is you are eating as compared to what you are not eating then the trade off is not bad. This is all natural. In the end it just comes down to how you

feel, you feel bad when the food is a ball in your stomach, you feel energized when you ate right.

Oliver wanted to make sure I was making it right, he is a really great helper.

The Morning Run

"I feel fat and flabby."

Well fat ass what the hell are you going to do about that? I have felt this way for the past week now and it could be for the lack of getting my butt out of bed and getting it to the gym. I have not wanted to go to the gym or really do anything at all in the past week. I ride my bike to classes because I do not want to pay for parking. (A big fat waste of money, plus it is just more economical to ride your bike, plus it has been perfect weather). SO I made myself get my fat, flabby feeling ass out of bed and go running. Plus it is Spring in RENO! We have Spring, it is an amazing concept there is Spring in Reno!

Today was not a good running day. I literally had it kicked. First the music on my iPhone was not helping. It was shit! Flat out shit. I could not connect with the grove. There was nothing getting me moving. So I had to get the mentality of it going. 1 2 1 2 1 2... I am getting my pace, taking the hill breathing. FUCK! This is just not working. JUST SHUT UP AND DO. Pass this guy, you are almost to the park then you can walk. His stupid Dachshund bit me as I jumped off the sidewalk, because he took the whole thing up. I stopped because the rat shit dog was barking at me and just BIT ME!... SO Far the run is just not going well. FUCKING NAPOLEONIC DOG! OK 1 2 1 2 1 2... Almost to the park, if you make it then you can walk. Still really shitty music, IGNORE IT, MAKE IT TO THE PARK! It was a stupid beginning, but this week has been a rough one. It was hurting, I was getting mad at me because I know I can do it. Why wasn't I doing it. Fuck this I am going to turn around.

I did not. I started laughing, and made it to the park. I stopped took some breaths. I did not change the music though. I just walked. I was being challenged, so I kept laughing. Yes a bit crazy, but why not laugh at it I was getting mad but that was not helping, LAUGH at it. I listened to the music. "My Brilliant Feat" By Colin Hay came on. There we go, just take a break and cool it; meditate on this and pick it up when you can go. I walked through the park, Finished the park and started running again.

Getting past that point of UGH! to DO! is the hard part. Once I did it then it was easy. This is the problem with getting started. A week off is not bad, but it was lazy, the negative was catching up to me. A year ago I was fifty pounds heavier. I let everything about whatever it was in my life catch up with me, and I was getting lazy. I let the past week get me lazy. So I just went running. There will be a lot of things trying to take a person down, so find that outlet to make them go away. It has to be a positive outlet though. Five to ten years ago I would take the lazy negative route.

BAD MOVE number one. Becoming overwhelmed with the negative. This can be a very strange thing girls do. So wake up college girls and start sweating. GET OFF YOUR PHONES AT THE GYM. Girls talk a lot and we look for every excuse to not to "do." We want to complain, I do it all the time. I want to complain about how horrid my life is, and I do. There are other outlets for this as well. Sweat it out. Make it hurt like hell. Take whatever problem it is and use it to your advantage. Look at Fergie (not the singer, the Duchess), she got nothing from her former family, so she said watch what I am going to do! She used all she knew and took advantage, I will exploit you and use this to MY advantage. She basically gave the royal family the finger. GO Fergie GO! The more I use something negative to my advantage, I tend to forget about it. It will go away because I move on from it. The anger inside turns to something positive. I sweat it out and completely forget about. Plus then I also built muscle and am losing weight.

GOOD MOVE number one. Eating! DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF! This will kill you, and it is stupid. Eat what you want, in context. If you want a big fat greasy cheese burger then have it! Remember though to have one and a small amount of fries. If you ate healthy all day and worked your fat flabby feeling ass off at the gym then eat what you want. The more you eat the better off you will feel, and the better off you will look. Take it how you want, there will be more about eating later, I have a philosophy about this. I did not follow my philosophy for a long time though, I would not eat all day then eat like a tub of ice cream and pizza or some crap later. BOOM! There was the shit that I was gaining. The more you hate your body the more you go to your negative outlets and the more you tend to downfall. This can be the case with most girls.

Most girls* have an eating disorder in some way or another. It becomes and addiction for them this is not a clinical analysis, this is an observation of my friends and the girls around me. We go for comfort, whether it is the comfort of the food around us or the comfort of the starvation, we do it. We use it for attention, and we cannot help it. Get mad at this statement if you do not agree with it, I do not care, but look at yourself and really ask "When have I done this at one point in my life." I had to do the same thing, and it made me mad at myself.

The point is, when you feel down figure out a routine and DO. It hurts at first and probably always will. The more you DO the connection with the hurt turns positive. I learned how to reconnect with me, that is something we are so missing. We connect with the outside world so much we miss our own personal connections. Music on your phone is one thing, but the rest should be shut off when you are connecting with yourself. Sweat it out and DO! Start to laugh at the negative, crying just makes your face messy. Remember there is no try; do or do not...

Blog Revamp and Yoda

I have decided to Re-vamp this whole thing. There will still be Knitting on here but it will also be about this whole silly thing called "the twenties." The "Dear Me's" will continue, along with the progression from college student to TEACHER! This is going to be about life as well. So girls read this know it and learn from my silly girl moments. Please remember I have the mouth of a sailor so this is your warning if you are easily offended.

For the few people who read this there have been many changes going on. I am now in summer term of school. Fun times for me, I love school this way. Five weeks of intense schooling and studying. It is do or do not there is no try, as Yoda says, and I apply this in a summer school situation. You have to make it or break it. I so far am making it. For example, I asked one of my professors the other day, "Am I one of the stupids in this class or am I doing well?" He told me to "Shut the Hell up and you are doing well, you actually contribute in a scholarly manner, please I would be disappointed if you dropped." I was feeling like I should drop it and was not sure. He reassured me I was not one of the stupids and gave a lot of insightful arguments to the discussions. It is something I always fail to realize when I am involved in the school environment. I R Smart, that's right SMRT!!! haha Thank you Homer Simpson!

Work wise, I got FIRED! It is bittersweet, because now I have a ton of options and I hated my job. I can now do more and I think it is the kick in the ass I needed to move forward in life. It was just Starbucks. It was a stupid reason as to why I got fired, but really to be fired because they want to push the lowly Barista out is pathetic. There will be more on this one as well.

I loved my customers. I was staying because of them, every morning Bob would come in get a donut and a cup of coffee, because he liked to see my smile. He is in his seventies. I adored this old man because he lost his wife last year and was actually looking out for me. I knew just how he liked his coffee and would save him a donut. I would just sit there and listen to him, he would tell me how he would pray for me to quit smoking, I would tell him how I would pray for him because he was old, and I just hoped he made it home safe from Starbucks each morning. We would have a good laugh about it and see him tomorrow. There were the little girls who would show me their shoes each morning, and I would remind them when they grew up they could have a whole closet full of shoes if they wanted. I think their mothers appreciated this because they got a break from having to pay constant attention to their children. Not to mention the Pauls. There was Paul from Belfast and his grande latte. Paul, who I would sit down with and talk with about life and the mysteries of the universe. Paul the business man who drove the Mercedes and we would talk about running and other things like business. I also have countless numbers, who really I wish I could have gotten a chance to say goodbye to.

ANYWAYS....

Back to Yoda. "There is do or do not there is no try" In the past twelve months I have adopted this mentality. Yes there is failure in doing, but at least I did it. Ouch that stupid scrape hurts how can I do it without falling this time. This is something that has to be realized by everyone. I have fell down many times, many times! (When I was a kid, and when as an adult) When I was I kid, I would not even cry, then I hit my teens and that went away. My early twenties, this whole "fuck the world mentality" started coming back, but there was this moment after I was fired, it went away. A friend said to me "Where are your balls?" What? "Your balls, Katie? You had cohones mas grande a few weeks ago and now you are acting like silly little girl."

I was sad and pathetic and that fired scrape hurt like hell. I was doing, but I failed, now I am bleeding and I want my mommy!!!! WWWAAA!!! I just could not grasp why I was fired! I was on this road to happiness! I was going for my brass ring even if it meant keeping at something I did not like. I was just doing, I was good at it. Well that was thing, grab life by the balls or find yours and move the fuck on. "I won't back down there ain't no easy way out!" Just like Tom Petty says, "There ain't no easy way out!" I failed yes, but at least I did it! There were some aspects that were so worth it and there were some that were so not worth it in the end, and all I can say is one...well there will be more on that later...

The do is back, and now I just do not care, I will do! It will hurt like hell but I will do, and fuck it I will fail at somethings, but it will be on my own terms. I cannot wait for the future and what it holds, because of this. This is a move forward in the right direction, and well most will still be stuck... Yada yada yada I could ramble on for hours.

Knitting

So I have taught myself the magic loop method for socks. I am proud of that. I thought it would be hard, but really I guess knitting comes naturally for me. Once I know something I just know it for ever. I have taught myself everything and learned it all on my own, well except how to actually knit.

They socks are turning out good and it is going really well. I just now need to figure out how to do the hell flap and then do the rest of the sock. The thing is though I just think it is silly. Other than how fast it is going, I think all four needles is just simpler. You do not have to keep changing needles I mean you will still go to four needles not matter what so might as well. I think I will get it when I do two socks on one needle.

The yarn is the special edition colors from Lorna's Laces sock weight, I got it from jimmybeanswool.com. It is called rocket pops, and the pattern it is making is amazing.

Also I am making the awesome scarf I got off of Knitty.com the knit one below, but I am using sport weight Lorna's Laces yarn on size three needles. It will all be done in the Lorna's Laces Sport Weight. I will post pictures when it is done.

Dear Me,

So I guess you are figuring it out. I am proud of you. I realize you hate Starbucks, but it is still only two years. You just have to make it two years. Remember be a fish, just keep say "eff off" to the assholes under your breath and smile the way through it. The thing is you know what you want. You always have and no matter how long a laundry list of excuses others give you as to why they think you suck. It is not you it will always be their faults they want to project on you and they are just scared. If people do not think you are happy, Fuck them. You know you are happy and you can have your moments of anger and sadness.

You have managed to recognize the bad people in your life and who true friends are and who the ones who like to use you are. Also you know it is ok to be alone. Yes you miss your friend, but still you are doing it all with out him. You can do it with him or without him. (You also do not lie to yourself about the fact it sucks without him.) The thing is though you know who you are and always have. No matter what your mother thinks or anyone else thinks.

As crazy as it drives you just keep remembering it. Even if you do not get your list of what you want accomplished then you will still know you tried, because there are things out of your control. You may never marry your best friend, have your honeymoon in a far off land, and have beautiful babies that you can raise in to adults that you do not fuck up too much, but you can still go to that far off land yourself. You can still have the two dogs you want and you can always inspire people in being the best they can be even if it yourself. (You are a person too remember.)

The best thing though is no single person is perfect. You know this and accepting people for who they are and loving them through anything is something you are good at, but you did it too much. There comes a point, and you have also stopped accepting the punishment.

Good job,

Me

Dear Me,

Dear Me, Is something new I am doing. I am writing to myself, and I do not know why but I am.

SO here goes...

Dear Me,

Well you have made it a week now without talking to him. One whole week. You can keep going I think. Except all these freaky weird dreams you have. Each time you have one though you need to stop analyzing it, it is a dream and doesn't mean anything. You have them because it is what you are thinking. They are not the future and they are not what could have been. He told you himself he never loved you and he really was lying to you the whole time. So really you need to stop thinking about it. I am proud of you for talking to your friend. Obviously she was not your friend in the first place.

Katie you are really one of the only friends you have, and be true to yourself. A person who gives you the excuse "we're roommates" is not a good friend, they just want to hang out with your ex because they want the attention from a boy. (He was not a man by any means) Also if she was you're friend she would have been there for you more than she was. She would have done more for you than she was with him. It was a joke what she was doing and your intuitions were correct. Her loyalties are false and that is her business, she will have to pay for that one later.

Remember me, you have been that strong person and you need to stop hiding all of this all the time. Just keep going and letting all go. You have to let go of the resentment that you have. It is not easy though. I hate that you have this. I hate that you are doing it. There is no point to it. He is pointless and a big fat waste of space. Really and truly. Because he is wasting his time on him and did not truly see what he was doing really and truly was doing.

One day you will realize this and be all the better for it. But really who the hell cares right? It will no longer care, because in the end really nothing matters and nothing will just what you do now. Let him go on thinking he did the right thing and let him go on thinking he was right, he will never know the difference because there will never be anyone to show him different. Who knows too maybe twenty years down the road he will get his exactly what he has been dreading. Something entirely pointless and wasted his time, because he himself will never know how to be happy. His name is Johnson for goodness sakes, did you really want your last name to have the same association as a penis?

Cute

Today walking home from the game a random stranger told me I was cute. Stopped me and just had to let me know out of nowhere I was cute. It was the first time in a long time anyone besides my friends or family has told me that. He has never told me that unless I prompted him.

I laughed the KtB laugh and walked on but then I got all choked up. I haven't heard those words from a man's mouth in a very long time. It is a rather odd thing for me because I know this about myself I have never once doubted it in me, but today with my crazy curly hair and my nothing special about my clothing a man told me I was cute.

It is odd because there are all of these body issues I have always had and will always have that come and go with weight loss and gain, the small boobs and man thighs/calves. The big huge butt of the matter is (no pun intended) I know I am cute, and DAMN IT...BEAUTIFUL. My eyes are what get the men in drive thru who just are waiting for their coffee, my coy smile is what can get the conversation going, but in the end it is how I can talk to a person just right then and there to hook them. I do not have horse teeth, I do not have big ears, and I do not fake it, except when I forget who I was and am. Maybe that is what I have been doing forgetting me. I do not know what all these tests have been over the past few weeks, but maybe I have forgotten me and maybe I needed someone to who is strong enough to remind me who I am when this stuff comes up and help me thorough these times when it does happen.

I started crying because it was like a blow in the stomach, sure I get the hit on, sure I have the gay man telling my how HAWT I look all the time, and sure there are the girls who are saying "Katie you are getting really skinny." Sometimes though you need that random stranger telling you reminding you "You're cute and I thought you should know."