Grace

Last night I watched some fireworks with some friends and saw my baby sis Grace called me. She called about an issue and she vented about it. The issue is not important, what was important was talking with my baby sis Gracie.

We got into how our parents are CRAZY. HAHAHA.

It was the moment when Grace started in on how our mother is always asking her what the plan is and what she is doing and and and... That is when I realized they are doing the same things to her that they used to do it me.

She was crying, I started laughing because of the irony. She told me how uncool she felt and how she cannot catch a break. It is ruining her teenage years! I told her yeah pretty much it ruined mine too.

It ruined mine in some sense. I was the uncool kid because I could not do things like just go and hang out, or just be a kid. I was not a bad kid, I just wanted to go and be a kid. She is doing similar things too, like hanging with friends. My parents think she is just going off and drinking at parties and doing what they think are "bad things." They are afraid of Grace growing up. I do agree there are somethings she should wait for and be innocent, I mean she is only fifteen. They are also doing it because they LOVE her.

The sad thing about this is they do not trust Grace will not do the bad things. They do not trust that Grace has the mental capacity to say no, or hell if she says yes, to be smart about it. My parents always think that one bad thing means she is dead in a ditch and worry so much about her dieing in a fiery car crash. The thing about that is kids are supposed to fall down and get bruises and scars. Kids are supposed to hurt, move past them and be protected in some sense. I do not want my sister to die in a fiery car crash. I do want her to learn something though. I do want her to figure it out a bit so she does not end up like my sister and I. I think parents should guide not shelter. When you shelter things we just end up being rebellious and then well we wander the earth always looking for something, and rebelling.

It is like my tattoos and piercings, they are there for reasons, they are my rebellious scars of my past. There is a story behind each one they are my scars and memories of a time in my life, and some are there for people I love. The tattoos will forever be reminders of them the piercings can go away. When I am an old hag I can tell my grand kids what they meant, and have some stories. Just like I have stories for Grace.

Instead of letting us getting to the point of "what did you learn" it was always "we are just protecting you from," "and because I SAID SO." I do not have the answers for this nor do I know what is the right answer but I do know that when you are always protecting, you are alienating and removing a lot of social connections kids just want to make. High school is about how to make connections and what they mean. It is about growing into what you want to be in college. Grace is feeling like she is being held back a bit. I feel for my baby sis, I do at the same time there is nothing she can do about it. I know though in the end she will be OK. I also told her there is a time and a place for everything and that is college (thank you South Park). I just kept listening to her and saying "yup sounds about right." I also became really scared, they are going to turn her into me. Into what I became the first time around. I can see it starting now. They are destroying her self-esteem like they did mine when I was that age. I do not blame them but I see the pattern emerging. It sucks, but I wish they could just let it be.

They just want what is best, even though it is not what seems like it is what is best now. I understand that and it hurts to tell my baby sis that. There is a lot more to life than having friends and being the cool kid. Grace will realize this ten years from now, I hope that I can guide her through it and be there before she gets to that point I did when I was her age. They were thinking I was always doing something bad like cutting myself or doing drugs. I was just sleeping in my room being a teenager, who was not allowed to even go to a friends house to hang out, even after I found Jesus, and trying to prove to my parents I was being a good kid. So not even my friends could accept me. I could not accept me. Nothing was ever good enough to prove I was good, because they always thought I was bad. There was no trust. I was doing good, thier's was just paranoia, I was being bad. Even when I was being good, it did not matter because I was bad in their eyes.

I hope Grace can realize things before she is twenty-five and forever searching for how to be something to please them and just please herself. I know a few things, I am not who I was when I was fifteen, or twenty, or twenty-two, or twenty-four, hell or the person I was when I turned twenty-five. I hope Grace can see that really in the grand scheme of things it does not matter in the end and this too shall pass. I told her it does not get any easier.

Grace did say one thing. As unstable and crazy as I feel like my life is, and no matter how much of a failure as I feel my life is sometimes, when your baby sis tells you, "You taught me a lot" makes you feel like you can take on the world. It also makes you love her more than you already do.

Big

For the first time in my life I saw the movie Big. I have never seen it. (I know almost 26 years and never seeing Big.)

Our whole lives we wish to be big. All around me I am starting to see it. My friends are all starting to go off on their lives and do what they dreamed of doing. The girl I grew up with has married the man of her dreams, and now on her honeymoon trouncing around the world enjoying every minute of it. They met in college freshman year, and now together for life. They met eight years ago and fell in love. Hell they made it eight years, they will make it through the rest of their lives. I saw the beautiful wedding, and was happy to be apart of the wonderful day.

My friend from when I was 11 is now an OBGYN, she has wanted to be a Doctor her whole life, and now she is doing it. She started her reality the other day and I know she is kicking ass. There was a lot of stress and hard work for her to go into this and she did it.

My sister is living her fairy tale dreams and is living her fairy tale life. She graduated college moved to London met the man of her dreams, and now decorates cupcakes.

They are all being Big.

I was on my path to be big. I was working at Starbucks making no money, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to be a teacher. I cannot believe it, I was going to be big. I wanted it so badly. I want to be a teacher, I want to get married, and I want to start my life. I was focused and ready I could see it in the distance it was coming! I was going to do it and be big!

I woke up, one day and realized I was going to be working at shitbucks the rest of my life. Who is going to want to marry a girl working as a barista. This is not going to help me be big. Ideally it was because I would be getting my masters and my phd, and then be something amazing and bad ass. So I went back to school. I could be a teacher and do the exact same thing not working at shitbucks. I was also with a guy who did not think the world of me, and I was so madly in love with him. I wanted to do anything to impress him, I wanted to show him how big I was becoming. The clock was ticking away, I had to do it! There was not much time! I should have this all figured out by now.

A month after I turned 25, He dumped me. He was settling for me, and I was not pretty enough for him, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I could not grasp that fact. I was moving forward and making all of the changes and just wanting to move on from this childhood and start the ideal life of being big. I thought that this person wanted it too. Oh well, a few weeks after this life crushing detail I saw deeper into it and knew I really am better off.

Being fired from shitbucks was another feeling of a break-up. I was thinking I could just settle, and do it till I found what I needed to be big. I lost sight of what I was doing. I was not being big though. I was constantly being put down for being me, by someone who could not see a bigger picture. This was it for her. Trying to move forward by stepping on people in the process only hurts you in the end, embracing the ones who challenge you or want to learn from you makes you better.

Being fired was just a fear though. Just like that silly break-up I had to take a huge look at who I wanted to become. There were a lot of if onlys. I could always fall back on it if I failed, and it was a comfort thing. I knew it and I knew it well. When you have the AHA! moment of how you were settling for something just because it is safe and losing that safety is a bit of a shock. No matter how much you try to look for the positive in things you still have a hard time dealing with the shock. Plus not to mention everyone around me is big, and I am getting fried from a job that has nothing to offer anything at all. On top of that I felt lost and alone. I am sure most people can handle it swimmingly, I handled it like a crazy person. I cared so much what this person though, again I was losing sight of who I am and how I need to take steps to be big, like all of my friends my age.

That is when the who cares hit me. We do not have to be big to gain what we need. Just like Josh in the movie, yes he was "big" but he was having fun doing it. Why being big has to be hard and stressful and mundane?

Why not make it carnival rides? Kids have fun doing what they want. I may not do it the most graceful ways, but kids do not either. I do tend to fall on my ass a lot, but why not keep playing in the process. I will forever be the big dork who says I hate you when I love you. (If Oliver could talk he could tell this.) I tell stupid jokes because they make people laugh. I will forever find pleasure in fireworks because well they are just plain cool. I bought a bike because I loved it as a kid so I ride my bike all the time.

Just because I am going to be 26 and all my friends are big, does not mean I have to be big like they are. I have never done things like anyone else anyways. Of course I want to grow up, but not in the sense that I forget what it was like to live life and then have that fear of the unknown and the ok now what and the "I did it just because I thought it was supposed to be." I am not saying that is what my friends are doing either.

One thing I do know is riding bikes, working my ass off at something I love, and really saying silly or stupidly honest things is worth it in the end. I feel it is not caring, no I am not apathetic I just no longer care what people think. Yeah so I want to be a teacher, it will be fun. I am doing it so I can have kids and play with them all summer, so I can show them what it is to be a kid. So they can learn how to grow up and see life is fantastic and hard and show them movies like Big, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Lion King, Toy Story, and The Little Rascals. Who ever said you had to stop being a kid, and be big? You just have to do it your right way, maturing is one thing being big is another.

Breakfast time!

Sundays are funny days for me. I usually do not do much besides sit outside and do my homework. I do not go to the gym and I do not watch what I eat. I refuse to clean and I will not do any kind of housework at all. I think that literally it is a day of rest, aside from homework because there is just no getting around it. If I want to go and eat shitty I will. This is my day off from whatever it is I eat during the week. I will have a big fat hamburger, and ice cream, and cookies and and and... I think that have one day of rewarding yourself is great. Sunday is my day of rewards.

My plan for the week usually is, eat the most colorful food you can find. I stopped eating white and switched to brown. I won't lie I still will have white pasta or white rice, but there are somethings you cannot control, especially when you are eating at a restaurant.

What is this brown vs. white thing? It is not the fantastic case in the 1960's that threw out the separate but equal clause in schools across the country (that is Brown vs. Board of Education). This is take a look at your plate, what is the ratio of color to white on your plate. Meaning the amount of processed food to the amount of natural food. Are the greens, browns, yellows, and reds or Are there a lot of whites? How much of the food is hand made and how

much of it came from a can? What is natural, and what has corn syrup in it?

This morning I did not feel like splurging. I wanted Pegg's, but at the same time I could make Pegg's at home too. Plus I did not want to go alone, and no one was up at 7 am. (Pegg's is slammed by 8 it is so worth it though). I decided to make scrambled eggs with spinach, jack cheese and avocado. It is pretty standard and super simple.

3 Eggs

Handful of spinach

As much jack cheese as you want

Half of an avocado

Splash of Half and Half

Salt and Pepper to taste.

Crack 3 eggs in a bowl, add the half and half and Beat with a whisk or fork or just make sure the stupid things are mixed. I know what you are thinking it sounds like a heart attack. I do not drink milk and I have half and half in my fridge. It makes the eggs fluffy, if you do not do this they will come out dense, I like fluffy eggs. It is the point of scrambled eggs. Add it to the frying pan on medium

heat and add your salt and pepper. Add the Spinach and the Cheese and stir. It is not an omelet so you do not have to fold, just stir.

It looks like this soggy mess right here until you get it cooking more. See the amount of green to yellow. There is color. YAY! I love color. Color equals flavor. Plus this takes like fifteen minutes to make. Cook your eggs to how you want them

I made them a bit harder than I like but that is OK. Once you finish cooking it put it on a plate and add the avocado. This is super fatty you are saying. So its a splurge day, and it has a lot of protein. Plus they are all good fats and oils. Eggs and avocados are good for you and hell I would just eat one plain. Add wheat toast if you like, add sourdough if you want it is a splurge day. If you look at what it is you are eating as compared to what you are not eating then the trade off is not bad. This is all natural. In the end it just comes down to how you

feel, you feel bad when the food is a ball in your stomach, you feel energized when you ate right.

Oliver wanted to make sure I was making it right, he is a really great helper.

The Morning Run

"I feel fat and flabby."

Well fat ass what the hell are you going to do about that? I have felt this way for the past week now and it could be for the lack of getting my butt out of bed and getting it to the gym. I have not wanted to go to the gym or really do anything at all in the past week. I ride my bike to classes because I do not want to pay for parking. (A big fat waste of money, plus it is just more economical to ride your bike, plus it has been perfect weather). SO I made myself get my fat, flabby feeling ass out of bed and go running. Plus it is Spring in RENO! We have Spring, it is an amazing concept there is Spring in Reno!

Today was not a good running day. I literally had it kicked. First the music on my iPhone was not helping. It was shit! Flat out shit. I could not connect with the grove. There was nothing getting me moving. So I had to get the mentality of it going. 1 2 1 2 1 2... I am getting my pace, taking the hill breathing. FUCK! This is just not working. JUST SHUT UP AND DO. Pass this guy, you are almost to the park then you can walk. His stupid Dachshund bit me as I jumped off the sidewalk, because he took the whole thing up. I stopped because the rat shit dog was barking at me and just BIT ME!... SO Far the run is just not going well. FUCKING NAPOLEONIC DOG! OK 1 2 1 2 1 2... Almost to the park, if you make it then you can walk. Still really shitty music, IGNORE IT, MAKE IT TO THE PARK! It was a stupid beginning, but this week has been a rough one. It was hurting, I was getting mad at me because I know I can do it. Why wasn't I doing it. Fuck this I am going to turn around.

I did not. I started laughing, and made it to the park. I stopped took some breaths. I did not change the music though. I just walked. I was being challenged, so I kept laughing. Yes a bit crazy, but why not laugh at it I was getting mad but that was not helping, LAUGH at it. I listened to the music. "My Brilliant Feat" By Colin Hay came on. There we go, just take a break and cool it; meditate on this and pick it up when you can go. I walked through the park, Finished the park and started running again.

Getting past that point of UGH! to DO! is the hard part. Once I did it then it was easy. This is the problem with getting started. A week off is not bad, but it was lazy, the negative was catching up to me. A year ago I was fifty pounds heavier. I let everything about whatever it was in my life catch up with me, and I was getting lazy. I let the past week get me lazy. So I just went running. There will be a lot of things trying to take a person down, so find that outlet to make them go away. It has to be a positive outlet though. Five to ten years ago I would take the lazy negative route.

BAD MOVE number one. Becoming overwhelmed with the negative. This can be a very strange thing girls do. So wake up college girls and start sweating. GET OFF YOUR PHONES AT THE GYM. Girls talk a lot and we look for every excuse to not to "do." We want to complain, I do it all the time. I want to complain about how horrid my life is, and I do. There are other outlets for this as well. Sweat it out. Make it hurt like hell. Take whatever problem it is and use it to your advantage. Look at Fergie (not the singer, the Duchess), she got nothing from her former family, so she said watch what I am going to do! She used all she knew and took advantage, I will exploit you and use this to MY advantage. She basically gave the royal family the finger. GO Fergie GO! The more I use something negative to my advantage, I tend to forget about it. It will go away because I move on from it. The anger inside turns to something positive. I sweat it out and completely forget about. Plus then I also built muscle and am losing weight.

GOOD MOVE number one. Eating! DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF! This will kill you, and it is stupid. Eat what you want, in context. If you want a big fat greasy cheese burger then have it! Remember though to have one and a small amount of fries. If you ate healthy all day and worked your fat flabby feeling ass off at the gym then eat what you want. The more you eat the better off you will feel, and the better off you will look. Take it how you want, there will be more about eating later, I have a philosophy about this. I did not follow my philosophy for a long time though, I would not eat all day then eat like a tub of ice cream and pizza or some crap later. BOOM! There was the shit that I was gaining. The more you hate your body the more you go to your negative outlets and the more you tend to downfall. This can be the case with most girls.

Most girls* have an eating disorder in some way or another. It becomes and addiction for them this is not a clinical analysis, this is an observation of my friends and the girls around me. We go for comfort, whether it is the comfort of the food around us or the comfort of the starvation, we do it. We use it for attention, and we cannot help it. Get mad at this statement if you do not agree with it, I do not care, but look at yourself and really ask "When have I done this at one point in my life." I had to do the same thing, and it made me mad at myself.

The point is, when you feel down figure out a routine and DO. It hurts at first and probably always will. The more you DO the connection with the hurt turns positive. I learned how to reconnect with me, that is something we are so missing. We connect with the outside world so much we miss our own personal connections. Music on your phone is one thing, but the rest should be shut off when you are connecting with yourself. Sweat it out and DO! Start to laugh at the negative, crying just makes your face messy. Remember there is no try; do or do not...

Blog Revamp and Yoda

I have decided to Re-vamp this whole thing. There will still be Knitting on here but it will also be about this whole silly thing called "the twenties." The "Dear Me's" will continue, along with the progression from college student to TEACHER! This is going to be about life as well. So girls read this know it and learn from my silly girl moments. Please remember I have the mouth of a sailor so this is your warning if you are easily offended.

For the few people who read this there have been many changes going on. I am now in summer term of school. Fun times for me, I love school this way. Five weeks of intense schooling and studying. It is do or do not there is no try, as Yoda says, and I apply this in a summer school situation. You have to make it or break it. I so far am making it. For example, I asked one of my professors the other day, "Am I one of the stupids in this class or am I doing well?" He told me to "Shut the Hell up and you are doing well, you actually contribute in a scholarly manner, please I would be disappointed if you dropped." I was feeling like I should drop it and was not sure. He reassured me I was not one of the stupids and gave a lot of insightful arguments to the discussions. It is something I always fail to realize when I am involved in the school environment. I R Smart, that's right SMRT!!! haha Thank you Homer Simpson!

Work wise, I got FIRED! It is bittersweet, because now I have a ton of options and I hated my job. I can now do more and I think it is the kick in the ass I needed to move forward in life. It was just Starbucks. It was a stupid reason as to why I got fired, but really to be fired because they want to push the lowly Barista out is pathetic. There will be more on this one as well.

I loved my customers. I was staying because of them, every morning Bob would come in get a donut and a cup of coffee, because he liked to see my smile. He is in his seventies. I adored this old man because he lost his wife last year and was actually looking out for me. I knew just how he liked his coffee and would save him a donut. I would just sit there and listen to him, he would tell me how he would pray for me to quit smoking, I would tell him how I would pray for him because he was old, and I just hoped he made it home safe from Starbucks each morning. We would have a good laugh about it and see him tomorrow. There were the little girls who would show me their shoes each morning, and I would remind them when they grew up they could have a whole closet full of shoes if they wanted. I think their mothers appreciated this because they got a break from having to pay constant attention to their children. Not to mention the Pauls. There was Paul from Belfast and his grande latte. Paul, who I would sit down with and talk with about life and the mysteries of the universe. Paul the business man who drove the Mercedes and we would talk about running and other things like business. I also have countless numbers, who really I wish I could have gotten a chance to say goodbye to.

ANYWAYS....

Back to Yoda. "There is do or do not there is no try" In the past twelve months I have adopted this mentality. Yes there is failure in doing, but at least I did it. Ouch that stupid scrape hurts how can I do it without falling this time. This is something that has to be realized by everyone. I have fell down many times, many times! (When I was a kid, and when as an adult) When I was I kid, I would not even cry, then I hit my teens and that went away. My early twenties, this whole "fuck the world mentality" started coming back, but there was this moment after I was fired, it went away. A friend said to me "Where are your balls?" What? "Your balls, Katie? You had cohones mas grande a few weeks ago and now you are acting like silly little girl."

I was sad and pathetic and that fired scrape hurt like hell. I was doing, but I failed, now I am bleeding and I want my mommy!!!! WWWAAA!!! I just could not grasp why I was fired! I was on this road to happiness! I was going for my brass ring even if it meant keeping at something I did not like. I was just doing, I was good at it. Well that was thing, grab life by the balls or find yours and move the fuck on. "I won't back down there ain't no easy way out!" Just like Tom Petty says, "There ain't no easy way out!" I failed yes, but at least I did it! There were some aspects that were so worth it and there were some that were so not worth it in the end, and all I can say is one...well there will be more on that later...

The do is back, and now I just do not care, I will do! It will hurt like hell but I will do, and fuck it I will fail at somethings, but it will be on my own terms. I cannot wait for the future and what it holds, because of this. This is a move forward in the right direction, and well most will still be stuck... Yada yada yada I could ramble on for hours.

Knitting

So I have taught myself the magic loop method for socks. I am proud of that. I thought it would be hard, but really I guess knitting comes naturally for me. Once I know something I just know it for ever. I have taught myself everything and learned it all on my own, well except how to actually knit.

They socks are turning out good and it is going really well. I just now need to figure out how to do the hell flap and then do the rest of the sock. The thing is though I just think it is silly. Other than how fast it is going, I think all four needles is just simpler. You do not have to keep changing needles I mean you will still go to four needles not matter what so might as well. I think I will get it when I do two socks on one needle.

The yarn is the special edition colors from Lorna's Laces sock weight, I got it from jimmybeanswool.com. It is called rocket pops, and the pattern it is making is amazing.

Also I am making the awesome scarf I got off of Knitty.com the knit one below, but I am using sport weight Lorna's Laces yarn on size three needles. It will all be done in the Lorna's Laces Sport Weight. I will post pictures when it is done.

Dear Me,

So I guess you are figuring it out. I am proud of you. I realize you hate Starbucks, but it is still only two years. You just have to make it two years. Remember be a fish, just keep say "eff off" to the assholes under your breath and smile the way through it. The thing is you know what you want. You always have and no matter how long a laundry list of excuses others give you as to why they think you suck. It is not you it will always be their faults they want to project on you and they are just scared. If people do not think you are happy, Fuck them. You know you are happy and you can have your moments of anger and sadness.

You have managed to recognize the bad people in your life and who true friends are and who the ones who like to use you are. Also you know it is ok to be alone. Yes you miss your friend, but still you are doing it all with out him. You can do it with him or without him. (You also do not lie to yourself about the fact it sucks without him.) The thing is though you know who you are and always have. No matter what your mother thinks or anyone else thinks.

As crazy as it drives you just keep remembering it. Even if you do not get your list of what you want accomplished then you will still know you tried, because there are things out of your control. You may never marry your best friend, have your honeymoon in a far off land, and have beautiful babies that you can raise in to adults that you do not fuck up too much, but you can still go to that far off land yourself. You can still have the two dogs you want and you can always inspire people in being the best they can be even if it yourself. (You are a person too remember.)

The best thing though is no single person is perfect. You know this and accepting people for who they are and loving them through anything is something you are good at, but you did it too much. There comes a point, and you have also stopped accepting the punishment.

Good job,

Me