26.2

Alrighty here it is. 5 weeks away, and I am going to do I am comitting to it and I have to do it. 26.2 miles. I may not run the whole thing, but shit I will do it.

A MARATHON! I want more than anything to do this and I have to do it. I am 26.4 years old. On December 5th I will do it.

This is my commitment. I will do this damn marathon if I pass out and die at the end, but I will do it. Born and Raised in Las Vegas, and it will be the first of it all. There may not be people at the end of it to shake my hand or give me a hug, but I do not care I will do this thing. It's for me.

26.2 miles, you are my bitch!

The day after the world changed forever.

I have to say that I do love to reflect on the past. I have this way of remembering really random things and events that are both significant and randomly unimportant. Birthdays are my forte. I can remember any one's birthday. I do not even need facebook for it.

Today is September 12, 2010. Nine years ago I was heading to class after one of the most memorable and disturbing days in my generation's history. It is the day after 9/11.

9/11 was still fresh in our minds. We all had this fear that there was going to be another attack, it was just a matter of where, and how they could think of destroying our spirit even further. Things were just a pile of dirt and ash. It has been compared to Pearl Harbor.

Everyone will forever remember that day. It is like the day Kennedy was shot. It is like the day MLK Jr. was shot. It is like the day that will live in infamy. Until this day my generation had nothing to go off of as a frame of memorable moments in our lives. We had MTV telling us what the cool things to do and how to live our lives. We had a president who did not win the election, and was not as time has told a competent leader. There was an agenda it seemed he was almost giddy at the thought of this devastation.

I am not here to get into a political argument or to try and put blame on the government for this happening. I am trying to understand how one of the most powerful governments in the world could allow this to happen to their own citizens.

I will never forget the moments of that day. I will never forget driving my sister to school. I was a senior and she was a sophomore. We were sitting in my Honda accord, two weeks into the school year listening to Mix 94.1 Mark and Mercedes in the morning. There was no music playing we were putting the last finishing touches of our make-up on. I turned it up and it was Mark's voice coming across the radio. The words are not exact, but I do recall "A plane has just hit the North tower of the World Trade Center, we just got this news and please stand by, as we try to find out more. It seems New York is in a state of panic, we will have more information soon." I called my mother, she was going to our house in Newport beach that day. I told her to turn on the news and see what was going on, Mark and Mercedes just said a plane hit one of the Twin towers, I don't think you should fly today. "No way that cannot be possible, no can fly a plane into the towers, this cannot be right. I am going to fly down to Newport. OH MY GOD!" She shouted over the phone. I asked what happened she said another plane hit the other tower. "Do you guys want to come home?"

"No, we should go to school today, we don't know what is going on and whoever did this will win if we just go home. We are going to sit through classes and we will be alright. I have my phone and I can get Chrissy if something else goes wrong. Just call me later. Please don't fly."

I recall sitting in my first period English class. My teacher found a TV, and put on the news. The images of the burning towers was embellished on my brain forever. The replay of the second plane hitting was horrifying. We all watched as the tower started to fall. My teacher started crying, I could not believe it. How could things this big fall? What is going on in the world, why would someone do this? It was my senior year, we were supposed to be thinking about the last of our high school days, not the fact we were just attacked. My trip from my parents was supposed to be a trip to New York. Is it really going to happen now, will people fly again? Questions running through my brain, the major was why.

June of 2002, we went to the big apple. We got off the flight and checked into the Plaza hotel. It was the Plaza, a NY classic. People were kind and there was a sadness behind their eyes, but they were pulling through. That day we got there we went on a double-decker bus tour. A stop was the towers, now known as Ground Zero. My mother couldn't look, there was dust blowing all over the place. You could breathe it in and it stung your eyes. I looked, the wreckage of the day was still present, signs were all over the place with people's wishes of well for the lives lost on that day. The picture of the frame we all see, was forever burned in to my brain. It was there still and they were finally starting to work on moving all of the wreckage of the day away. It was a random empty spot of dirt, ashes, and rubble amongst more buildings. I realized it wasn't dirt that was blowing around. It was ashes. The ashes of the years of the building standing there, the ashes of the planes, and the ashes of the lives lost. Ashes of moms and dads who were going to work that day. Ashes of the firemen who were doing their duty and trying to stop the fires. Ashes of the people who believed in their ultimate salvation was through this act of terror. My eyes watered from it all, and the grit was in my mouth, like when you were a little kid who just fell off the swings, and there were still little granules of sand crunching in your teeth.

It was like I was apart of it now. I still cannot believe the hatred that has come from that day. Instead of growing from it, people used it to their advantage. Now we were no different from the terrorist who did this, now we hate just as much as they did. Life has not been the same and never will be. We have become the terrorist, we no longer trust our brothers, and the government no longer trusts its citizens. Now we hate people who are Muslim, and we think they should not have any rights, because they all must be terrorist. Remember Christianity, they created a Jihad against us, but we are not them we should be stronger than that. Revenge is not golden it just takes away your insides and makes you thirsty for more, it turns you into a terrorist. It turns your heart black.

America needs to stop hating, and there needs to be some understanding in all of this. Never forget that day, hold it in your heart, but remember we have hearts to hold and the heart should be thankful we are alive and able to still be here to love. Do unto others as you want done to you. The golden rule. Even Jesus would love the people who hated him, because not all people are bad the just do not know what they do. On this day the day after 9/11 remember to love each other and be thankful it was not you there that day. You were given the gift of 9/12...

Beanies for Babes

I know I know its is September, I just haven't had the inspriation to write anything lately.

Here I am again on my own in Las Vegas. Let me tell you it is friggin hot as hell out here. I hate this weather and really it does not go away till about mid to late October. So boo to that.

The house is really big and really creepy at night. Still I do not mind being in my old bed. The idea at 26 and living in your parents house is just a nightmare. What is ab fab is there is cable and I sit and I knit. Plus it is the end of summer and now I really do not want to do anything at all. I will be going outside more often because it will start cooling down. I also am doing a 5k in the middle of this month. So yay!

So now I am coming up with an idea for a lil business. I was thinking of knitting beanies for kids with cancer and giving them to the kids. Also I was thinking of just going once a week and chatting with the children while I knit their beanies. I

I think it will be fun and I have more yarn than all the sheep in Scotland. I am selling the beanies to people to donate to the children. For now. there will be a new blog coming up and then things will progress from there.

Really that is all. Oh and Oliver is loving being in the heat. He is one happy puppy.

To the Biggest Lil City...

Well I must say dear Reno it has been fun.

I am leaving you for now. I have to move back to the southern part of the state. I hate to break our love affair off but sadly like everything in my life this must end. I truly do love you.

I love your weather. I love how I can be cold at 8 in the morning in August. It is the best runs I have ever had. Also there is something about the air in the mornings here. It is refreshing. I will miss my skin not feeling like it is going to burn off when I walk outside. Or how I have to wear a sweatshirt at night, trust me it has not really been hot August nights, hahhah!

I love getting stuck in the snow in my 4-runner, that only has 2 wheel drive. Shit I could not get up my drive way in it. I will miss building snow forts and snow people in your beautiful snow. I will miss the Oranges, Reds and Yellows of your autumn, I will miss the chill in the air knowing that summer has ended and the crunching of the leaves when I walk on your beautiful campus.

And Tahoe, ugh well ugh. There are millions of words to describe you. I have a million and one, here are a few. I have seen beaches and rolling hills, but really there is nothing that can compare to the colors you share with the world. It has jaded me just a bit, I think the only thing that could ever compare is the Rainforest in Hawaii.

My friends I love you as well. You know that already...

So Reno, I shall miss you a lot. I hate Vegas, but it is what it is. I will make the most of it, and well damn, shit, and hell, I guess I have to kick your ass Vegas. It has it's fine points and I do have a secret thrill every time I fly home, but I will never live there. I will never be a Vegas person again. I really just hate it. I love what Vegas was, you have to have some love for your home town, and my home town is not what it was. This will end for sure, I know it, and Then who knows where I will go. It will be far away, and well time will not be spent like people would like to think.

When this is over I will be far away and you will never see me, I guarantee that. This is a mistake for you Vegas, if people think London is far... There are even farther places I can promise that, I will go farther than anyone can think, and I may not come back.

So for now I am raising a glass to Reno, and giving the finger to Las Vegas, and to all who think it is better... You know who you are.

From dirt comes flowers. Pretty ones

Has it really only been...

364 days...

It feels like it has been 364 years. Each of these 364 days have seemed like the longest and shortest of my life. Some Flew by while others just drug on.

Tomorrow marks the day of my birth, woo... I really have good birthdays, but usually they are followed by some traumatic event or something silly that ends up hurting my sprit in someway so pretty much I really never look forward to my birthday. I do look forward to the reflection of the past 364 days. This past year has been some serious ups and serious downs.

Lets start with the downs to get them out of the way! I had my heart shattered by a boy who I thought was it because he "was trying" pretending to me that he was in love with me that I was it for him making me believe this was it. Shortly after that my sister gets engaged and married. My grandfather dies, and no matter how much I wanted to be there I could not be, because of stupid work and school. I get fired from a job I somewhat enjoyed, by a woman who could barely love herself she takes it out on everyone around her and did it just to make an example out of me.

Now the ups. I lost fifty pounds with no secret diet or wonder magic pills or anything at all. I just did it. I met and reconnected with some amazing people. I also have some focus on what I am doing now as opposed to just doing and floating though life. Oh and I am going to London, something I have dreamed about since I was like 10. So yay. Happy birthday to me.

I know the ups of my life are smaller than the downs, but when you examine the downs closer they are actually bigger ups than downs. I can see I am way better off without the boy, it would of ended anyways on my part, or I would of ended up miserable. To no avail and this is always the kicker, It never fails, most who reject me tend to wake up and see it was their loss and they fucked up. Usually by that time it is to late and my feelings for them are gone. I will never understand that one as long as I live. I will maybe see that answer when I die. I am not smiling, about it I just always wonder about the irony behind it. Boys are just not right for me and pretty much are just things to look at. When the right one comes along then he will want to be there and join me on our journey.

My grandfather was sick and it was time. It was not right for him, it was time to go. He needed to go. I wish it could have been sooner. It was just sad that is all.

The job thing sucked because I loved the people I worked with and I really just wanted to be around the customers. I really truly loved bringing happiness to people days and I know I did. It was something of a push though because I know that now I have to move on and get away. I was also miserable, I had no life and getting up at 4 am was not fun. Plus I feed off the energy of people and when they are in a bad mood they move to the dark side. I felt like Luke fighting Darth Vader and the Emperor everyday, and when you have to stand up to why someone doesn't like you for you then well who cares, I just literally gave up.

Artown and Hot August Nights

So I was reading on rgj.com yesterday about how Hot August Nights may or may not be leaving Reno for Long Beach.

I also read yesterday about how two of the fifteen pianos put out for Artown have been vandalized.

I am going to step on a soap box for a minute.

Hot August Nights brings a lot of money to Reno. WHOOPITYDO! I love going down town and look at old cars. It is a blast. I can appreciate it. An old car rocks my world. It was a connection between my dad and I, '69 Camaro it was Fucking amazing. It was a beautiful car. I seriously though cannot understand why on Earth people are freaking out about this whole thing leaving the biggest little city. There is nothing big or little about this city anymore. Hot August Nights has a optical appeal about it, it is also a business, what about Reno right now is screaming, "Hey look how awesome we look we are flourishing with business!"

The planners of Artown put out fifteen pianos to celebrate fifteen years of Artown. Fifteen local artist decorated the pianos to share their art with the community. Some rat bastards thought it would be great to beat the hell out of and vandalize two of them. It is sad and shows why things in Reno are on more of a decline. I was out last week, riding around with my friend Josh on his tandem bike. (Yeah we were pretty much the coolest people out there on his bicycle built for two.) The pianos brought me joy, hard work and effort were put into them and well shit it was just nice to see people walking up to them and playing them. The pianos were put there for joy and entertainment. Whether you are a Musical genius, a person who only took piano lessons for three years, or a kid just walking up to them and banging on the keys, they managed to inspire. Those bastards should be spanked. (That is right I am saying it!) I respect the artist who sees the positive in it. She now gets to paint another panel for the piano, and that warms my heart.

People are raving and ranting about HAN leaving Reno. Who cares this is not until 2012. Maybe by that time Reno will have it's act together, and HAN will not want to leave. Maybe by the time 2012 rolls around this fledgling economy will be booming again. The mayors of Sparks and Reno should take this as a wake up call. I know if I spent all that money on a car and put all that effort into it why would I want to bring it to a place where there is a condemned building in the background. Your cities are in a decline. If something as big as HAN does not want to stay here, maybe it is time to start cleaning up. How about we start with Virginia Street. I know there is a recession, but from dirt comes flowers. Paint another panel. I love this city, but things need to change, this is getting ridiculous. Things can always come back, so prove it to your citizens, by making some efforts to save this recession ridden city. Stop seeing the big bucks, this is not Las Vegas, this is why I love it here.

Clean it up and fix it. It is what the supporters of Artown are doing, they are trying to make things better. They are trying to make the Biggest little city better. What are you doing? Telling people you are "One Hot Tamale" BFD!!! Clean up your city and prove it is HAN's loss. Start it over and make it bigger and better than it ever was. It is what the people of Artown do, every year they make it better and work towards something better. Even when something bad happened they managed to pull together and fix it, not show how angry they are. This could have been an opportunity to renew and fix as opposed to just talk like everyone else seems to do.

One thing about Vegas is at least Oscar Goodman would be out there fighting for this not just talking (OK so he does talk A LOT). BUT Mayors you have known about this for a while now and all of a sudden you are shocked! You should be spanked, this is your vandalism! You let it run it course and thought things would never change, well now they are. Look at your down town. The Reno beautification project fell by the wayside, and wow we now have condos. Empty condos. What is Northern Nevada known for? Things like Artown, HAN, Street Vibrations, Those beautiful mountains we ski, see and hike in, and GAMBLING. How can people gamble when no one wants to come here and do it because "the strip" looks like a pig sty. If you build it they will come, willingly!

go here http://www.rgj.com/article/20100707/NEWS/100707060 and read about the silly HAN fiasco!

here for the pianos http://www.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2010100706035

Grace

Last night I watched some fireworks with some friends and saw my baby sis Grace called me. She called about an issue and she vented about it. The issue is not important, what was important was talking with my baby sis Gracie.

We got into how our parents are CRAZY. HAHAHA.

It was the moment when Grace started in on how our mother is always asking her what the plan is and what she is doing and and and... That is when I realized they are doing the same things to her that they used to do it me.

She was crying, I started laughing because of the irony. She told me how uncool she felt and how she cannot catch a break. It is ruining her teenage years! I told her yeah pretty much it ruined mine too.

It ruined mine in some sense. I was the uncool kid because I could not do things like just go and hang out, or just be a kid. I was not a bad kid, I just wanted to go and be a kid. She is doing similar things too, like hanging with friends. My parents think she is just going off and drinking at parties and doing what they think are "bad things." They are afraid of Grace growing up. I do agree there are somethings she should wait for and be innocent, I mean she is only fifteen. They are also doing it because they LOVE her.

The sad thing about this is they do not trust Grace will not do the bad things. They do not trust that Grace has the mental capacity to say no, or hell if she says yes, to be smart about it. My parents always think that one bad thing means she is dead in a ditch and worry so much about her dieing in a fiery car crash. The thing about that is kids are supposed to fall down and get bruises and scars. Kids are supposed to hurt, move past them and be protected in some sense. I do not want my sister to die in a fiery car crash. I do want her to learn something though. I do want her to figure it out a bit so she does not end up like my sister and I. I think parents should guide not shelter. When you shelter things we just end up being rebellious and then well we wander the earth always looking for something, and rebelling.

It is like my tattoos and piercings, they are there for reasons, they are my rebellious scars of my past. There is a story behind each one they are my scars and memories of a time in my life, and some are there for people I love. The tattoos will forever be reminders of them the piercings can go away. When I am an old hag I can tell my grand kids what they meant, and have some stories. Just like I have stories for Grace.

Instead of letting us getting to the point of "what did you learn" it was always "we are just protecting you from," "and because I SAID SO." I do not have the answers for this nor do I know what is the right answer but I do know that when you are always protecting, you are alienating and removing a lot of social connections kids just want to make. High school is about how to make connections and what they mean. It is about growing into what you want to be in college. Grace is feeling like she is being held back a bit. I feel for my baby sis, I do at the same time there is nothing she can do about it. I know though in the end she will be OK. I also told her there is a time and a place for everything and that is college (thank you South Park). I just kept listening to her and saying "yup sounds about right." I also became really scared, they are going to turn her into me. Into what I became the first time around. I can see it starting now. They are destroying her self-esteem like they did mine when I was that age. I do not blame them but I see the pattern emerging. It sucks, but I wish they could just let it be.

They just want what is best, even though it is not what seems like it is what is best now. I understand that and it hurts to tell my baby sis that. There is a lot more to life than having friends and being the cool kid. Grace will realize this ten years from now, I hope that I can guide her through it and be there before she gets to that point I did when I was her age. They were thinking I was always doing something bad like cutting myself or doing drugs. I was just sleeping in my room being a teenager, who was not allowed to even go to a friends house to hang out, even after I found Jesus, and trying to prove to my parents I was being a good kid. So not even my friends could accept me. I could not accept me. Nothing was ever good enough to prove I was good, because they always thought I was bad. There was no trust. I was doing good, thier's was just paranoia, I was being bad. Even when I was being good, it did not matter because I was bad in their eyes.

I hope Grace can realize things before she is twenty-five and forever searching for how to be something to please them and just please herself. I know a few things, I am not who I was when I was fifteen, or twenty, or twenty-two, or twenty-four, hell or the person I was when I turned twenty-five. I hope Grace can see that really in the grand scheme of things it does not matter in the end and this too shall pass. I told her it does not get any easier.

Grace did say one thing. As unstable and crazy as I feel like my life is, and no matter how much of a failure as I feel my life is sometimes, when your baby sis tells you, "You taught me a lot" makes you feel like you can take on the world. It also makes you love her more than you already do.

Big

For the first time in my life I saw the movie Big. I have never seen it. (I know almost 26 years and never seeing Big.)

Our whole lives we wish to be big. All around me I am starting to see it. My friends are all starting to go off on their lives and do what they dreamed of doing. The girl I grew up with has married the man of her dreams, and now on her honeymoon trouncing around the world enjoying every minute of it. They met in college freshman year, and now together for life. They met eight years ago and fell in love. Hell they made it eight years, they will make it through the rest of their lives. I saw the beautiful wedding, and was happy to be apart of the wonderful day.

My friend from when I was 11 is now an OBGYN, she has wanted to be a Doctor her whole life, and now she is doing it. She started her reality the other day and I know she is kicking ass. There was a lot of stress and hard work for her to go into this and she did it.

My sister is living her fairy tale dreams and is living her fairy tale life. She graduated college moved to London met the man of her dreams, and now decorates cupcakes.

They are all being Big.

I was on my path to be big. I was working at Starbucks making no money, and I knew exactly what I wanted. I was going to be a teacher. I cannot believe it, I was going to be big. I wanted it so badly. I want to be a teacher, I want to get married, and I want to start my life. I was focused and ready I could see it in the distance it was coming! I was going to do it and be big!

I woke up, one day and realized I was going to be working at shitbucks the rest of my life. Who is going to want to marry a girl working as a barista. This is not going to help me be big. Ideally it was because I would be getting my masters and my phd, and then be something amazing and bad ass. So I went back to school. I could be a teacher and do the exact same thing not working at shitbucks. I was also with a guy who did not think the world of me, and I was so madly in love with him. I wanted to do anything to impress him, I wanted to show him how big I was becoming. The clock was ticking away, I had to do it! There was not much time! I should have this all figured out by now.

A month after I turned 25, He dumped me. He was settling for me, and I was not pretty enough for him, BLAH BLAH BLAH. I could not grasp that fact. I was moving forward and making all of the changes and just wanting to move on from this childhood and start the ideal life of being big. I thought that this person wanted it too. Oh well, a few weeks after this life crushing detail I saw deeper into it and knew I really am better off.

Being fired from shitbucks was another feeling of a break-up. I was thinking I could just settle, and do it till I found what I needed to be big. I lost sight of what I was doing. I was not being big though. I was constantly being put down for being me, by someone who could not see a bigger picture. This was it for her. Trying to move forward by stepping on people in the process only hurts you in the end, embracing the ones who challenge you or want to learn from you makes you better.

Being fired was just a fear though. Just like that silly break-up I had to take a huge look at who I wanted to become. There were a lot of if onlys. I could always fall back on it if I failed, and it was a comfort thing. I knew it and I knew it well. When you have the AHA! moment of how you were settling for something just because it is safe and losing that safety is a bit of a shock. No matter how much you try to look for the positive in things you still have a hard time dealing with the shock. Plus not to mention everyone around me is big, and I am getting fried from a job that has nothing to offer anything at all. On top of that I felt lost and alone. I am sure most people can handle it swimmingly, I handled it like a crazy person. I cared so much what this person though, again I was losing sight of who I am and how I need to take steps to be big, like all of my friends my age.

That is when the who cares hit me. We do not have to be big to gain what we need. Just like Josh in the movie, yes he was "big" but he was having fun doing it. Why being big has to be hard and stressful and mundane?

Why not make it carnival rides? Kids have fun doing what they want. I may not do it the most graceful ways, but kids do not either. I do tend to fall on my ass a lot, but why not keep playing in the process. I will forever be the big dork who says I hate you when I love you. (If Oliver could talk he could tell this.) I tell stupid jokes because they make people laugh. I will forever find pleasure in fireworks because well they are just plain cool. I bought a bike because I loved it as a kid so I ride my bike all the time.

Just because I am going to be 26 and all my friends are big, does not mean I have to be big like they are. I have never done things like anyone else anyways. Of course I want to grow up, but not in the sense that I forget what it was like to live life and then have that fear of the unknown and the ok now what and the "I did it just because I thought it was supposed to be." I am not saying that is what my friends are doing either.

One thing I do know is riding bikes, working my ass off at something I love, and really saying silly or stupidly honest things is worth it in the end. I feel it is not caring, no I am not apathetic I just no longer care what people think. Yeah so I want to be a teacher, it will be fun. I am doing it so I can have kids and play with them all summer, so I can show them what it is to be a kid. So they can learn how to grow up and see life is fantastic and hard and show them movies like Big, Mrs. Doubtfire, The Lion King, Toy Story, and The Little Rascals. Who ever said you had to stop being a kid, and be big? You just have to do it your right way, maturing is one thing being big is another.

Breakfast time!

Sundays are funny days for me. I usually do not do much besides sit outside and do my homework. I do not go to the gym and I do not watch what I eat. I refuse to clean and I will not do any kind of housework at all. I think that literally it is a day of rest, aside from homework because there is just no getting around it. If I want to go and eat shitty I will. This is my day off from whatever it is I eat during the week. I will have a big fat hamburger, and ice cream, and cookies and and and... I think that have one day of rewarding yourself is great. Sunday is my day of rewards.

My plan for the week usually is, eat the most colorful food you can find. I stopped eating white and switched to brown. I won't lie I still will have white pasta or white rice, but there are somethings you cannot control, especially when you are eating at a restaurant.

What is this brown vs. white thing? It is not the fantastic case in the 1960's that threw out the separate but equal clause in schools across the country (that is Brown vs. Board of Education). This is take a look at your plate, what is the ratio of color to white on your plate. Meaning the amount of processed food to the amount of natural food. Are the greens, browns, yellows, and reds or Are there a lot of whites? How much of the food is hand made and how

much of it came from a can? What is natural, and what has corn syrup in it?

This morning I did not feel like splurging. I wanted Pegg's, but at the same time I could make Pegg's at home too. Plus I did not want to go alone, and no one was up at 7 am. (Pegg's is slammed by 8 it is so worth it though). I decided to make scrambled eggs with spinach, jack cheese and avocado. It is pretty standard and super simple.

3 Eggs

Handful of spinach

As much jack cheese as you want

Half of an avocado

Splash of Half and Half

Salt and Pepper to taste.

Crack 3 eggs in a bowl, add the half and half and Beat with a whisk or fork or just make sure the stupid things are mixed. I know what you are thinking it sounds like a heart attack. I do not drink milk and I have half and half in my fridge. It makes the eggs fluffy, if you do not do this they will come out dense, I like fluffy eggs. It is the point of scrambled eggs. Add it to the frying pan on medium

heat and add your salt and pepper. Add the Spinach and the Cheese and stir. It is not an omelet so you do not have to fold, just stir.

It looks like this soggy mess right here until you get it cooking more. See the amount of green to yellow. There is color. YAY! I love color. Color equals flavor. Plus this takes like fifteen minutes to make. Cook your eggs to how you want them

I made them a bit harder than I like but that is OK. Once you finish cooking it put it on a plate and add the avocado. This is super fatty you are saying. So its a splurge day, and it has a lot of protein. Plus they are all good fats and oils. Eggs and avocados are good for you and hell I would just eat one plain. Add wheat toast if you like, add sourdough if you want it is a splurge day. If you look at what it is you are eating as compared to what you are not eating then the trade off is not bad. This is all natural. In the end it just comes down to how you

feel, you feel bad when the food is a ball in your stomach, you feel energized when you ate right.

Oliver wanted to make sure I was making it right, he is a really great helper.

The Morning Run

"I feel fat and flabby."

Well fat ass what the hell are you going to do about that? I have felt this way for the past week now and it could be for the lack of getting my butt out of bed and getting it to the gym. I have not wanted to go to the gym or really do anything at all in the past week. I ride my bike to classes because I do not want to pay for parking. (A big fat waste of money, plus it is just more economical to ride your bike, plus it has been perfect weather). SO I made myself get my fat, flabby feeling ass out of bed and go running. Plus it is Spring in RENO! We have Spring, it is an amazing concept there is Spring in Reno!

Today was not a good running day. I literally had it kicked. First the music on my iPhone was not helping. It was shit! Flat out shit. I could not connect with the grove. There was nothing getting me moving. So I had to get the mentality of it going. 1 2 1 2 1 2... I am getting my pace, taking the hill breathing. FUCK! This is just not working. JUST SHUT UP AND DO. Pass this guy, you are almost to the park then you can walk. His stupid Dachshund bit me as I jumped off the sidewalk, because he took the whole thing up. I stopped because the rat shit dog was barking at me and just BIT ME!... SO Far the run is just not going well. FUCKING NAPOLEONIC DOG! OK 1 2 1 2 1 2... Almost to the park, if you make it then you can walk. Still really shitty music, IGNORE IT, MAKE IT TO THE PARK! It was a stupid beginning, but this week has been a rough one. It was hurting, I was getting mad at me because I know I can do it. Why wasn't I doing it. Fuck this I am going to turn around.

I did not. I started laughing, and made it to the park. I stopped took some breaths. I did not change the music though. I just walked. I was being challenged, so I kept laughing. Yes a bit crazy, but why not laugh at it I was getting mad but that was not helping, LAUGH at it. I listened to the music. "My Brilliant Feat" By Colin Hay came on. There we go, just take a break and cool it; meditate on this and pick it up when you can go. I walked through the park, Finished the park and started running again.

Getting past that point of UGH! to DO! is the hard part. Once I did it then it was easy. This is the problem with getting started. A week off is not bad, but it was lazy, the negative was catching up to me. A year ago I was fifty pounds heavier. I let everything about whatever it was in my life catch up with me, and I was getting lazy. I let the past week get me lazy. So I just went running. There will be a lot of things trying to take a person down, so find that outlet to make them go away. It has to be a positive outlet though. Five to ten years ago I would take the lazy negative route.

BAD MOVE number one. Becoming overwhelmed with the negative. This can be a very strange thing girls do. So wake up college girls and start sweating. GET OFF YOUR PHONES AT THE GYM. Girls talk a lot and we look for every excuse to not to "do." We want to complain, I do it all the time. I want to complain about how horrid my life is, and I do. There are other outlets for this as well. Sweat it out. Make it hurt like hell. Take whatever problem it is and use it to your advantage. Look at Fergie (not the singer, the Duchess), she got nothing from her former family, so she said watch what I am going to do! She used all she knew and took advantage, I will exploit you and use this to MY advantage. She basically gave the royal family the finger. GO Fergie GO! The more I use something negative to my advantage, I tend to forget about it. It will go away because I move on from it. The anger inside turns to something positive. I sweat it out and completely forget about. Plus then I also built muscle and am losing weight.

GOOD MOVE number one. Eating! DO NOT STARVE YOURSELF! This will kill you, and it is stupid. Eat what you want, in context. If you want a big fat greasy cheese burger then have it! Remember though to have one and a small amount of fries. If you ate healthy all day and worked your fat flabby feeling ass off at the gym then eat what you want. The more you eat the better off you will feel, and the better off you will look. Take it how you want, there will be more about eating later, I have a philosophy about this. I did not follow my philosophy for a long time though, I would not eat all day then eat like a tub of ice cream and pizza or some crap later. BOOM! There was the shit that I was gaining. The more you hate your body the more you go to your negative outlets and the more you tend to downfall. This can be the case with most girls.

Most girls* have an eating disorder in some way or another. It becomes and addiction for them this is not a clinical analysis, this is an observation of my friends and the girls around me. We go for comfort, whether it is the comfort of the food around us or the comfort of the starvation, we do it. We use it for attention, and we cannot help it. Get mad at this statement if you do not agree with it, I do not care, but look at yourself and really ask "When have I done this at one point in my life." I had to do the same thing, and it made me mad at myself.

The point is, when you feel down figure out a routine and DO. It hurts at first and probably always will. The more you DO the connection with the hurt turns positive. I learned how to reconnect with me, that is something we are so missing. We connect with the outside world so much we miss our own personal connections. Music on your phone is one thing, but the rest should be shut off when you are connecting with yourself. Sweat it out and DO! Start to laugh at the negative, crying just makes your face messy. Remember there is no try; do or do not...

Blog Revamp and Yoda

I have decided to Re-vamp this whole thing. There will still be Knitting on here but it will also be about this whole silly thing called "the twenties." The "Dear Me's" will continue, along with the progression from college student to TEACHER! This is going to be about life as well. So girls read this know it and learn from my silly girl moments. Please remember I have the mouth of a sailor so this is your warning if you are easily offended.

For the few people who read this there have been many changes going on. I am now in summer term of school. Fun times for me, I love school this way. Five weeks of intense schooling and studying. It is do or do not there is no try, as Yoda says, and I apply this in a summer school situation. You have to make it or break it. I so far am making it. For example, I asked one of my professors the other day, "Am I one of the stupids in this class or am I doing well?" He told me to "Shut the Hell up and you are doing well, you actually contribute in a scholarly manner, please I would be disappointed if you dropped." I was feeling like I should drop it and was not sure. He reassured me I was not one of the stupids and gave a lot of insightful arguments to the discussions. It is something I always fail to realize when I am involved in the school environment. I R Smart, that's right SMRT!!! haha Thank you Homer Simpson!

Work wise, I got FIRED! It is bittersweet, because now I have a ton of options and I hated my job. I can now do more and I think it is the kick in the ass I needed to move forward in life. It was just Starbucks. It was a stupid reason as to why I got fired, but really to be fired because they want to push the lowly Barista out is pathetic. There will be more on this one as well.

I loved my customers. I was staying because of them, every morning Bob would come in get a donut and a cup of coffee, because he liked to see my smile. He is in his seventies. I adored this old man because he lost his wife last year and was actually looking out for me. I knew just how he liked his coffee and would save him a donut. I would just sit there and listen to him, he would tell me how he would pray for me to quit smoking, I would tell him how I would pray for him because he was old, and I just hoped he made it home safe from Starbucks each morning. We would have a good laugh about it and see him tomorrow. There were the little girls who would show me their shoes each morning, and I would remind them when they grew up they could have a whole closet full of shoes if they wanted. I think their mothers appreciated this because they got a break from having to pay constant attention to their children. Not to mention the Pauls. There was Paul from Belfast and his grande latte. Paul, who I would sit down with and talk with about life and the mysteries of the universe. Paul the business man who drove the Mercedes and we would talk about running and other things like business. I also have countless numbers, who really I wish I could have gotten a chance to say goodbye to.

ANYWAYS....

Back to Yoda. "There is do or do not there is no try" In the past twelve months I have adopted this mentality. Yes there is failure in doing, but at least I did it. Ouch that stupid scrape hurts how can I do it without falling this time. This is something that has to be realized by everyone. I have fell down many times, many times! (When I was a kid, and when as an adult) When I was I kid, I would not even cry, then I hit my teens and that went away. My early twenties, this whole "fuck the world mentality" started coming back, but there was this moment after I was fired, it went away. A friend said to me "Where are your balls?" What? "Your balls, Katie? You had cohones mas grande a few weeks ago and now you are acting like silly little girl."

I was sad and pathetic and that fired scrape hurt like hell. I was doing, but I failed, now I am bleeding and I want my mommy!!!! WWWAAA!!! I just could not grasp why I was fired! I was on this road to happiness! I was going for my brass ring even if it meant keeping at something I did not like. I was just doing, I was good at it. Well that was thing, grab life by the balls or find yours and move the fuck on. "I won't back down there ain't no easy way out!" Just like Tom Petty says, "There ain't no easy way out!" I failed yes, but at least I did it! There were some aspects that were so worth it and there were some that were so not worth it in the end, and all I can say is one...well there will be more on that later...

The do is back, and now I just do not care, I will do! It will hurt like hell but I will do, and fuck it I will fail at somethings, but it will be on my own terms. I cannot wait for the future and what it holds, because of this. This is a move forward in the right direction, and well most will still be stuck... Yada yada yada I could ramble on for hours.

Knitting

So I have taught myself the magic loop method for socks. I am proud of that. I thought it would be hard, but really I guess knitting comes naturally for me. Once I know something I just know it for ever. I have taught myself everything and learned it all on my own, well except how to actually knit.

They socks are turning out good and it is going really well. I just now need to figure out how to do the hell flap and then do the rest of the sock. The thing is though I just think it is silly. Other than how fast it is going, I think all four needles is just simpler. You do not have to keep changing needles I mean you will still go to four needles not matter what so might as well. I think I will get it when I do two socks on one needle.

The yarn is the special edition colors from Lorna's Laces sock weight, I got it from jimmybeanswool.com. It is called rocket pops, and the pattern it is making is amazing.

Also I am making the awesome scarf I got off of Knitty.com the knit one below, but I am using sport weight Lorna's Laces yarn on size three needles. It will all be done in the Lorna's Laces Sport Weight. I will post pictures when it is done.

Dear Me,

So I guess you are figuring it out. I am proud of you. I realize you hate Starbucks, but it is still only two years. You just have to make it two years. Remember be a fish, just keep say "eff off" to the assholes under your breath and smile the way through it. The thing is you know what you want. You always have and no matter how long a laundry list of excuses others give you as to why they think you suck. It is not you it will always be their faults they want to project on you and they are just scared. If people do not think you are happy, Fuck them. You know you are happy and you can have your moments of anger and sadness.

You have managed to recognize the bad people in your life and who true friends are and who the ones who like to use you are. Also you know it is ok to be alone. Yes you miss your friend, but still you are doing it all with out him. You can do it with him or without him. (You also do not lie to yourself about the fact it sucks without him.) The thing is though you know who you are and always have. No matter what your mother thinks or anyone else thinks.

As crazy as it drives you just keep remembering it. Even if you do not get your list of what you want accomplished then you will still know you tried, because there are things out of your control. You may never marry your best friend, have your honeymoon in a far off land, and have beautiful babies that you can raise in to adults that you do not fuck up too much, but you can still go to that far off land yourself. You can still have the two dogs you want and you can always inspire people in being the best they can be even if it yourself. (You are a person too remember.)

The best thing though is no single person is perfect. You know this and accepting people for who they are and loving them through anything is something you are good at, but you did it too much. There comes a point, and you have also stopped accepting the punishment.

Good job,

Me

Dear Me,

Dear Me, Is something new I am doing. I am writing to myself, and I do not know why but I am.

SO here goes...

Dear Me,

Well you have made it a week now without talking to him. One whole week. You can keep going I think. Except all these freaky weird dreams you have. Each time you have one though you need to stop analyzing it, it is a dream and doesn't mean anything. You have them because it is what you are thinking. They are not the future and they are not what could have been. He told you himself he never loved you and he really was lying to you the whole time. So really you need to stop thinking about it. I am proud of you for talking to your friend. Obviously she was not your friend in the first place.

Katie you are really one of the only friends you have, and be true to yourself. A person who gives you the excuse "we're roommates" is not a good friend, they just want to hang out with your ex because they want the attention from a boy. (He was not a man by any means) Also if she was you're friend she would have been there for you more than she was. She would have done more for you than she was with him. It was a joke what she was doing and your intuitions were correct. Her loyalties are false and that is her business, she will have to pay for that one later.

Remember me, you have been that strong person and you need to stop hiding all of this all the time. Just keep going and letting all go. You have to let go of the resentment that you have. It is not easy though. I hate that you have this. I hate that you are doing it. There is no point to it. He is pointless and a big fat waste of space. Really and truly. Because he is wasting his time on him and did not truly see what he was doing really and truly was doing.

One day you will realize this and be all the better for it. But really who the hell cares right? It will no longer care, because in the end really nothing matters and nothing will just what you do now. Let him go on thinking he did the right thing and let him go on thinking he was right, he will never know the difference because there will never be anyone to show him different. Who knows too maybe twenty years down the road he will get his exactly what he has been dreading. Something entirely pointless and wasted his time, because he himself will never know how to be happy. His name is Johnson for goodness sakes, did you really want your last name to have the same association as a penis?

Cute

Today walking home from the game a random stranger told me I was cute. Stopped me and just had to let me know out of nowhere I was cute. It was the first time in a long time anyone besides my friends or family has told me that. He has never told me that unless I prompted him.

I laughed the KtB laugh and walked on but then I got all choked up. I haven't heard those words from a man's mouth in a very long time. It is a rather odd thing for me because I know this about myself I have never once doubted it in me, but today with my crazy curly hair and my nothing special about my clothing a man told me I was cute.

It is odd because there are all of these body issues I have always had and will always have that come and go with weight loss and gain, the small boobs and man thighs/calves. The big huge butt of the matter is (no pun intended) I know I am cute, and DAMN IT...BEAUTIFUL. My eyes are what get the men in drive thru who just are waiting for their coffee, my coy smile is what can get the conversation going, but in the end it is how I can talk to a person just right then and there to hook them. I do not have horse teeth, I do not have big ears, and I do not fake it, except when I forget who I was and am. Maybe that is what I have been doing forgetting me. I do not know what all these tests have been over the past few weeks, but maybe I have forgotten me and maybe I needed someone to who is strong enough to remind me who I am when this stuff comes up and help me thorough these times when it does happen.

I started crying because it was like a blow in the stomach, sure I get the hit on, sure I have the gay man telling my how HAWT I look all the time, and sure there are the girls who are saying "Katie you are getting really skinny." Sometimes though you need that random stranger telling you reminding you "You're cute and I thought you should know."

Meatloaf

I made meatloaf. I had to do something to actually keep myself focused on something other than the fact I cannot keep a stead and stable relationship going. I needed to do something other than cry which is all I have been doing.

It was decent meatloaf, and I hate meatloaf...Ina helped. Her food always looks so intense. This was not. They were simply mini meatloaves. It did not turn out like a meat-brick and it was not super dry but a bit juicy. The onions were a bit crunchy they could have had a bit more time to actually cook and perhaps a bit more salt. Plus there was no one to actually cook them for, so really now I have like 3 mini meatloaves and not a single soul to eat them.

I guess I am doing this because aside from just being me there really must be something wrong with me. I am not good enough. I do not have what it takes to be that perfect girlfriend that every guy out there wants. All they all have ever said to me is you make a great friend, but I just don't see a future with you. So really what else can there be other than just learning how I can cook better...Since I am on hunger strike it will a lot of food going to waste, but hey who the hell cares.(My roommate is a vegetarian).

I guess I am just giving up on me. I am giving up on love. I am just giving up. Why am I bothering anymore. What is the point. I quit smoking but really what was the point. He asks me why I couldn't have done that while we were together, well I was doing it while we were together it just takes time...it takes time and focus and help...the shitty thing is I have help from people now but it is the same as always, I thank them and it is cool...but I miss his help. I just wish I knew what was so wrong with me.

Confusion

This is where the confusion sets in. They are the waste of space. They are the pimple you keep picking at. They are the ingrown toenail. They are men.

Even the good ones are a total waste because really deep down they are not good. All of them are assholes. Women hate you because you are time wasters. Women hate men because you just have no direction as to what you are doing. When a man breaks up with a woman and says he wants "to be friends" is because he has no clue what he really wants. IT is a ploy to see how he feels in a few weeks, but really he never really loved you in the first place.

There is no emotional availability in a man because he thinks he will be seen as weak. They hide all true feeling because they have no ability to actually feel. Each and everyone of them hates themselves. They are here because of a genetic make up in order to procreate. It is so the species can exist. When they move on from your lives there is nothing left but how much time you had wasted on them. It is a matter of who the fuck cares.

Keep them at arms length and throw them away once you are done. Plus the world is over populated anyways. So really what is the point.

Yay Thunderstorms!!!

Yay Thunderstorms

I have decided I love food. I love fast food like In n' Out. I love high fatty gourmet food, I even love steaks that have been cooked perfectly, which is something rather odd because I used to hate them. I hate frozen, fake and packaged food(with the exception of mac and cheese). I need to actually learn how to cook better, but so does everyone I guess. I have decided I will always be a fat kid, so I will just actually have to work out in order to compensate for the fact I love food. I am proud of being a fatty, to the extent of not being obese. This is a new goal, work out and eat like a pig. I no longer care about what size I am I will just eat pizza and then go for a run...I know I am stupid for saying all of this, but there has always been this stupid pressure to lose weight and be skinny. I now embracing my fat kidness and literally running with her, fuck skinny. Fat and happy is how I am going to be.

I managed last week to make it to the gym or work out three times which is like a record for me. I ran at least everyday I worked out, I also went to Bikram yoga.

After my first day of running I had an immense headache of dehydration and my body telling me I hate you. I know because of the pounding in my head and no matter how much water I would drink or what I would eat nothing cured it. Then the running and Pilates, where the instructor was a complete BITCH. I have never seen someone who hated what he does more than me. He was bragging about the "energy" in the gym but then not helping anyone. If I do go to another class it will be somewhere else.

Then I went to Bikram yoga. 130 degrees and 90 minutes of yoga. A strain on the mind and on the body. Everyone was telling me how you feel so much better afterwards, and you actually do. At least you are not in the blaring sun so it does not totally feel like you are doing yoga outside in Las Vegas in the Summer. I did feel energized and could not stop talking. Plus I had the whole mind forcing myself through it, which I miss. It was the whole detox behind it all too. James came with me, someone who had never done yoga before in his life managed to make it though. I was proud of him. It is not easy. He will get it I hope.

This week has been all spinning. I did yoga before on Monday. Wednesday I was up at the butt crack of dawn to go, then I was planning on going to yoga, but did not manage to get there. I just had no energy left because of work and being up at 4. I wish I had gone. There is the school year though. It is not an excuse, but still I either was hungry or I am just worn out. I have worked six straight days, and today will be seven. Who knows how this going to the gym three times a week thing will be panning out for me though....

So far I am liking it. Now if I could just make it outside to work out and run.

the big two five

I am really trying to figure out how to grow up and get into that routine. July 12th I turned twenty-five and now I am really just wondering now what. I see this movie coming out "Julie & Julia" and I cannot help but wonder how that pertains to my life. Girl at a dead end job, but ends up changing her life by cooking her way through Julia Child's cook book the French Chef. I am at a dead end job, but I really am trying to find my way into the grown up world. I want to work out and work everyday. On my days off I want to work out, knit, and cook. Along with read write and whatever. I cannot figure out what it is that I block out in my brain that prevents me from doing these.

I want a project where I keep my house clean. I do not understand why I love to do laundry but I HATE to put the clothing away. I start to organize my room, but end up never finishing it. I am in this constant state of middle brain. My left brain is always taking over the right brain, I have the power to start a right brain activity but never finish it. My right brain is the quitter, but never at work because I hate the messy work place or in school, I just cannot understand how I can keep the left brain going so well. It is really curious to me.

Julie blogs about her cooking adventures in Julia's cook book and the movie shows Julia's life at le Cordon Bleu cooking academy in France. Julia was never afraid to fail as anyone can see from any show you watch of hers, because they are down right hilarious, she makes mistakes constantly but is showing you how to fix it and just do it the best you can.

Now my question is what is going to be my project, I will write about and stick to (other than knitting because well I do that anyways). I need to grow up because my life is SOOOO boring. I need to start something, other than think about what a terrible mess the economy is in, or how broke I am. I need to focus on what this is to be twenty-five and grow up. I need to figure out how to marry the two parts of the brain and figure out how to be a left and right brained person. An ambidextrous brained person. Then I can write a book about it. Whether I do make something from a Cook book each and everyday of my life and go to the gym to work it off because I will gain about 100 lbs, or just the sheer fact of going to the gym everyday....maybe it will just be the fact of getting into a routine, and training myself into being an adult, because there is no one who can help you be one. It takes training because I see adults who are not even trained to be adults. I no longer want to be Katie who just does I want to be Katie who did all and can talk about it. Not just thought about it.

HOW to do it, is what I keep asking myself.

So again it has been awhile...

I haven't knitted anything. I don't know why. I am trying to finish things, but I am back in school and working on that now. School is the more important thing so yarn and love of knitting can wait. I find myself daydreaming about it and wishing for it. I just am losing all the time I have between homework, school, and actual work. Hobbies can wait, hobbies fall by the wayside. I just look at all the stash and all the yarn and a huge sigh escapes me.

Oh well I say, and go back to reading for school. I will become a teacher. I will teach English. I will be the best I can this and every semester after, from here on out. I HAVE TO! I do not have a choice. There are no other options. Again sigh and another oh well. Who knows maybe I will change the world. Obama apparently will according to everyone. I have faith he can work it all out, I am just not putting all the pressure on him people like my grandfather are who think it will happen in six months.

Plus I just keep reminding myself I cannot work serving coffee anymore. I just cannot do it. I hate this and I hate doing it. I want to help people not fake smile at them. I miss my old store. I miss the customers so much. I just want to go back one day and have a reunion. Say hi to everyone and know they are doing well. Give them all a hug and just say Hi.

Before school started I got to go skiing with the silly boyfriend. It was a blast let me tell you! He went snowmobiling for the first time ever, and threw me off. HAHAHA what a hilarious thing though. He is a boy what do you expect. We went to Utah and hit up the Deer Valley, then he at the Stine Erickson lodge at the buffet for lunch, and quite the buffet I will say that. It was worth the eight hour drive there and the eight hours back. I do not think I have seen him as happy as he was, I think it was the altitude. :)